Coming Clean

I write my blog in the way I try to live life... honestly and void of illusion. I find that in writing many of my posts I tend to start with a dilemma and end with a solution. I guess you could say writing is a way I sometimes clarify the jumble of thoughts that run through my head. And I share this on my blog as a way to possibly help and identify with others.

Honesty in my life could be seen as over-share... I remember taking a personality test in college and one of my traits was "you put all of your cards on the table." Such truth at the time! I wore my heart on my sleeve and would share the depths of my soul to those friends who would listen. I remember feeling exhausted and vulnerable when those conversations were through. In those times I envied my sister who went through life as a mysterious creature only divulging so much of herself as was necessary. I on the other hand would share and get burned more times than naught. Thus I learned... I don't think it was a bad thing, though I became a bit jaded. I tried to keep things a little closer all the while still remaining true to myself.

And so I share this with a guarded heart, but also with the honesty of someone who is trying to deal with reality of what is and maybe find some solace in opening up.

I am dealing with the waves of postpartum depression. What I thought were baby blues turned into something deeper, darker and the thoughts of just getting over it turned into thoughts of will I ever get back to who I once was...

It is a tough road to be on... the inability to control my feelings can be crippling.

I feel as though there is such a stigma when the word "depression" is uttered. Add postpartum to it and one may immediately jump to the conclusion that oneself or one's child may be harmed... but that is just one form. As many people are different, that is the way that one can be effected by this.

And so I've decided to share some of the journey of my ups and downs on my blog and maybe... just maybe... gather some clarity through it.

I began these pages for myself, in order to think out my own particular pattern of living, my own individual balance of life, work and human relationships. And since I think best with a pencil in my hand, I started naturally to write. I had the feeling, when the thoughts first clarified on paper, that my experience was very different from other people's. (Are we all under this illusion?) My situation had, in certain ways, more freedom than that of most people, and in certain other ways, much less.
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh Gift from the Sea