Sunday, December 29, 2013

Faith Enough

In this moment... in this today... in this now... my feelings toward God are bleak at best. My faith has been the thing I have clung to my entire life, it has been the thing that has defined me, my relationship with God has made me who I was, am and will be.

But in this moment... in this today... in this now... I feel forsaken. Alone in a vast sea of desert blinded by the pounding sun of my depression, unable to feel anything but the intensity of its heat.

At this point in my depression I have become one big cliche.

And where does God fit into this? Into me? I don't know... and right now I don't care. I am angry.

And yet in this desert, as I drove in the car trying to escape, this song by Jars of Clay played and brought momentary relief from the heat.

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talkin'
The world is crumblin' but I know why
The world is crumblin' but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight

The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind

Should the world rely on faith tonight

Maybe I still have an ounce of faith left to allow myself to be weak in God's presence. Maybe I will allow myself to be scooped up in His arms once again and maybe I can stop trying to control my outcome and just be His child once again... just maybe.

Friday, December 6, 2013

A Year

Today is Nolan's first birthday. First birthdays seem more of a milestone for the parents as opposed to the baby. We are the ones who have kept our babes alive and safe the most vulnerable year of their life, learned to deal with fitting a "stranger" into our family, and have slept half of what we are used to. This is a true celebration for the entire family!

Read Nolan's Birth Story
It has been hard for me to feel fully celebratory today. My jumbled emotions are difficult to sort out and being so in tuned to my feelings can be exhausting.  Last night I sat on the couch with a pint of ice cream (only recommended for certain times in one's life) and tried to ignore all that was going on in my head by staring at the TV.

But it's time to face the facts... this is the one year anniversary of the hardest year I have ever faced. I hate that the birth of my incredible, precious and innocent son has to be tied to the illness that sent my body into the uncontrollable spiral of postpartum depression. It is no one's fault... it couldn't have been avoided... it is an illness... BUT I hate that it has to be this way.

When I look back through pictures of Nolan's first days, first months, first year... it is hard to not focus on the pain I had been feeling during those days. Part of me feels I have missed out on many moments of my baby's first year. I was so swallowed up in despair I couldn't truly enjoy my sweet blessing. I was so overcome with my illness that I no longer wanted to be here for him, for my daughter, for my husband. The reality of those thoughts still haunt me.

And now my Nolan is growing up... he will not stay a baby. Every day moves forward and though I desperately want to keep kissing those baby cheeks I know that they will lose their baby puffiness.

I can sit here and feel overwhelmed about all I have endured or I can look at the real truth of my situation. I DID have moments of joy even in the midst of great suffering. Dhrumil reminds me of this often... he reminds me how he saw me with the kids and watched genuine smiles, selfless love and unending kisses flow from me. I just re-watched the video I created about seeing myself as beautiful ... praise God that not all was lost in this year!

It is time to take a step back. I give Nolan to God. I thank Him for the precious, joyful, happy, loving, adventurous, mama's boy that he is! Is he not proof enough that I have flourished in darkness to rear my son this past year!? I pray I can look ahead to all God has in store for my son. I pray that I can be still, be now and enjoy who he is today. I pray that I have the continued strength to put one foot in front of the other and model God's amazing grace and love to my children.