Sunday, October 27, 2013

A few Disney Photos - Debunked

As you may know... I am all about being real. I am going to post some photos of Disney and our time in Florida on Facebook, as well as create a photo book for our family to remember. However I wanted to remember some of the funny stories behind the pictures... 

Ready for breakfast with Mickey... before this picture Mikayla wouldn't stop running around
Annnd they were scared of Minnie

We were at a character breakfast and I was the one who had to smile with the characters!
We went on Dumbo two times... Mikayla loved!

Loved seeing how interested Nolan was in the brass band

The both fell asleep at the same time the first day... 

Mommy was more excited about the Minnie ears and the Swiss Family Robinson tree house

She didn't want to talk to Cinderella and so Dhrumil and I had to make small talk with Cindy

Nolan's first girlfriend

Well she smiled for this one... lunch in the castle was a bit stressful but had lovely moments... all pictures with princesses had to be with me. 

More excited about her chocolate

This cracks me up... she wasn't the happiest princess in the castle... but what do you expect from a three year old who has been at the park all day in 95 degree weather?

Standing in line for more characters... Dhrumil was tired

We asked a stranger to take this picture... she had to wait a few minutes while we tried to rally the troops

A delicious lunch in Italy... one tired little girl

M insisted we take this picture in China

She got this parasol because I got one when I was little... she didn't really care about it ;-)

And she was done in France... it was hard to get her off the ground... but I was still having fun!

Dreams DO Come True

When one thinks of Disney World phrases come to mind such as... "the happiest place on earth" "a place where dreams come true" "magical"... it's as if nothing but happiness should come from such a place.

We were originally supposed to travel to Florida in early September,  but since I was still in my
intensive therapy we decided to push it off. I didn't know how I could travel to such a place of happiness when I still felt so horrible. My "dream" for the vacation was that I would be more stable in my recovery, have the ability to enjoy myself and be the best I could be in that moment for my family.

The week before we left was difficult for me. Though I continued focusing on the "now" I was feeling overwhelmed with every day life. I decided, with no judgment on myself, to take a step back from social obligations (my therapist encouraged me that I was not isolating) and instead spent a whole week packing a little at a time, enjoying the kids and just being silent when possible.

Ready for Dumbo!
My expectations of the trip? I had none! I guess my thinking pattern has changed so drastically that I just went with the moments. Was our time at Disney perfect? Um what do you think? Even if you weren't at the park with two little kids... the possibility that someone was going to stand in front of you while you were trying to catch a glimpse of Cinderella was bound to happen making your day not has happy as it could have been.

In the end the family time we shared on the most magical place on earth went above and beyond anything I could have hoped for... could have even dreamed for.  While in the pits of my postpartum depression I felt as though I could never truly be me again. And I guess you could say I found myself... an even more amazing self... at Disney.

My journey through this illness has truly been given a gift... a different perspective on life. I feel as
though I have been instilled wisdom beyond my years. It is what I do with the wisdom that counts. God has blessed me with a new start. Our time at Disney solidified that I am getting better and as I continue to take life as it comes I pray my growth doesn't end!
Meeting Donald
Cindy! As I call her now...
Minnie is coming to our table!
Delicious food in "Italy" with a sleeping Nolan

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Still here... still fighting

Not much new over in ElisaBeth land to share. I just finished my fourth "normal" week since July and honestly I guess I thought I'd be a little farther in my recovery. Maybe I thought I would be cured by now... and I'm not.

The waiting game... the continued chance encounter of a good or bad day... the frustrating mornings when I'm not sure how I can move through the day, much less move two little souls along with me... the random lows... the panic attacks... and so on and so on and so on... just thought I'd be over them.

Honestly I have been extremely upset at God these past few weeks. "GOD WHY am I still suffering so? I haven't been able to be a mother of two without this illness, I feel as though I have missed so much of life these past months! Haven't I worked so very very hard for myself, for my family? Haven't I asked for help? Haven't I sought you in all of this!?" These very questions have shaken the faith that I have stood on my entire life. They have even made me think... is He real?! Is he true? Am I loved!?

The kids were melting down, a family picture wasn't going to happen,
and YET I was in the now.... I was happy I was me!
And yet I feel that in my suffering, through my tough questions, in my moments where I feel as though I may not believe anymore... GOD is doing a great work in me! HE IS! He can take our anger, He can take our fear, He can take it and He has taken it. My faith will be even stronger after this storm has passed because my questions will be... are being... answered.

How can we grow if we do not question? My growth has been tremendous the past months... rebuilding myself, understanding who I am, understanding what it means to have a mental illness, identifying with others who have similar illnesses, navigating through a sea of those who do not but who are trying to help me, navigating through a sea of those who do not understand at all, seeing myself for who I am now.

So here I am. I have good days, I have bad. I have wonderful mommy moments, I have mommy moments I wish to forget. I am a loving wife, I am a selfish wife. Hey... this actually sounds pretty normal!

Keep on fighting, keep on questioning and keep on believing that YOU are special, amazing, loved and treasured by a God who knows you inside and out. We are all suffering in one form or another. Isn't it amazing that one day our suffering will be over and we will be filled with JOY forever and ever and ever and ever!? AMEN!!!!!!