Still here... still fighting

Not much new over in ElisaBeth land to share. I just finished my fourth "normal" week since July and honestly I guess I thought I'd be a little farther in my recovery. Maybe I thought I would be cured by now... and I'm not.

The waiting game... the continued chance encounter of a good or bad day... the frustrating mornings when I'm not sure how I can move through the day, much less move two little souls along with me... the random lows... the panic attacks... and so on and so on and so on... just thought I'd be over them.

Honestly I have been extremely upset at God these past few weeks. "GOD WHY am I still suffering so? I haven't been able to be a mother of two without this illness, I feel as though I have missed so much of life these past months! Haven't I worked so very very hard for myself, for my family? Haven't I asked for help? Haven't I sought you in all of this!?" These very questions have shaken the faith that I have stood on my entire life. They have even made me think... is He real?! Is he true? Am I loved!?

The kids were melting down, a family picture wasn't going to happen,
and YET I was in the now.... I was happy I was me!

And yet I feel that in my suffering, through my tough questions, in my moments where I feel as though I may not believe anymore... GOD is doing a great work in me! HE IS! He can take our anger, He can take our fear, He can take it and He has taken it. My faith will be even stronger after this storm has passed because my questions will be... are being... answered.

How can we grow if we do not question? My growth has been tremendous the past months... rebuilding myself, understanding who I am, understanding what it means to have a mental illness, identifying with others who have similar illnesses, navigating through a sea of those who do not but who are trying to help me, navigating through a sea of those who do not understand at all, seeing myself for who I am now.

So here I am. I have good days, I have bad. I have wonderful mommy moments, I have mommy moments I wish to forget. I am a loving wife, I am a selfish wife. Hey... this actually sounds pretty normal!

Keep on fighting, keep on questioning and keep on believing that YOU are special, amazing, loved and treasured by a God who knows you inside and out. We are all suffering in one form or another. Isn't it amazing that one day our suffering will be over and we will be filled with JOY forever and ever and ever and ever!? AMEN!!!!!!