Sunday, November 17, 2013


Perfection isn't possible!

Go ahead and try, but it is not going to work.

I believe perfection means different things to different people. To me it means: (on any given day and in so many words)

Having happy kids who are happy because they ate amazing organic healthy meals I cooked all day long after I cleaned the house, organized the already organized closets, exercised and felt full of energy. My cleaning of the house and exercising didn't get in the way of my quality time with the happy kids who were not only played with but taught many useful life skills through crafts and reading. Throughout the day I felt confident in my mothering and knew without an ounce of doubt that being home with my children was the correct and most fulfilling thing I could be doing with my life. After work my happy husband would come home to a dinner on the table with happy kids laughing and telling daddy what an amazingly fulfilling day it was. After having a happy bedtime with the kids bathed, read to, prayed with and taught more life skills through memorized Bible verses, Dhrumil and I would have happy talk listening fully to one another and understanding each other and go to bed feeling awed by our lives. Oh not to mention I would have had time to make a gesture that showed how fully invested I am in my friends and family.

Setting the bar a bit to high do you think?

The reality of my life does not look like and will NEVER look like what I sometimes find myself  trying to strive for... but isn't that the point? We can never have the "perfect" life and the culture we live in doesn't help.

How often have you felt bad about yourself or your day after reading Facebook statuses, seeing pins  on Pinterest, reading articles about how so and so lost all her baby weight plus 100 more and now has the best abs of her life only after THREE MONTHS after having a baby, read a blog post about how to parent the RIGHT way or see Instagram photos of smiling children behaving in a fine-dinning restaurant?

It is all too much to take in!!!  The distorted view one may already have of needing to strive for their own individual perfection is further distorted but the glaring headlines of what we SHOULD be like.

An imperfect day!
And so that is why it is important to understand that life is messy and imperfect and that is what it is meant to be. Social media can be great, but know that it is not full reality, just glimpses at some happy moments people may be having. Let us be joyful for them and not compare ourselves because we are all in different places at different times.

We will never be perfect until heaven and even then God's perfection is something beautiful and glorious and maybe not at all what we may have in mind.

So for now I will keep moving through my day rejoicing if my kids actually eat the one semi-organic meal I put before them, loving the fact that my imaginative daughter turns turkey craft projects into snow men and enjoying the warmth of my husband's chest I lay on as we watch TV at night unable to speak on word to each other out of exhaustion.


The higher you climb... the farther you may fall.

So why do we climb? What makes us keep going? After being knocked down so many times why don't we just give up!?

Is it a sense of survival? Are we fools to trust that we may, one day, make it to the top? And what is at the top when we get there? Will it be worth it? Or will it just be the beginning of another mountain that needs to be climbed?

At this moment in time my mountain is the cursed postpartum depression. Yes today it is cursed to me... today I hate the illness and it is hard to see the blessings that are shinning beneath the darkness.

Enduring the setbacks of depression is insanely hard because of the Catch-22. While feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness I am also frustrated beyond anything that I am once again in this situation which leads to annoyance of myself which leads to feeling worse... it's like being stuck in a web with no way out.

Dare I kick my feet hard enough to loosen the web of depression so I can again climb the mountain? Is it worth it!?

At least this time I know the way up...

Monday, November 4, 2013

My Prayer

I hear sounds of the ticking clock in the kitchen, Curious George in the front room and the creak of the fireplace as it spits out warmth onto my cold feet. The smell of a pumpkin spice plugin infiltrates my nostrils as the heat from my computer radiates over my lap. I stare at this blog post waiting for my thoughts to form a coherent thought for me to type out. This is now... I am here... I am present.

Since my hospital stay three months ago I have practiced staying present-minded so frequently that it is now second nature. If anything, mindfulness has been an amazing gift I was blessed with through my whole ordeal.

Being now takes focus. I still falter every day but as I continue to practice I have found peace in not worrying about what is next. My anxious thoughts are taken away, my overwhelming state is calmed, I just have to deal with what is right now. God has given me the strength to give the next moments to Him and treasure the gift of life that He has given to me every day.  

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; our about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" 
Matt 6: 25 - 27

My amazing friend captured moments for us
As I see myself coming out on the other side of postpartum depression, I am amazed to find a different
person. A person who has grown and is continuing to grow. A person who has been changed by the darkest hours of life and has emerged victorious, blessed and grateful for life. I know setbacks will come, I know life will do it's thing,  sin will do it's thing, but in the end God is victorious.

Listen... as you are full aware, life isn't perfect. I still struggle on a daily basis to be fully confident in the person God is creating me to be. I continue to have days of endless questioning the ways in which God works. It can still be hard to fully trust. Though I am healing from this illness, I still have mountains to climb. However, I feel as though I am now prepared with the proper climbing equipment as opposed to taking the mountain with just the clothes on my back. 

The other day I heard Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer on the radio. During my darkest days, and when I wasn't busy being angry at God, I clung to the words in this song. I am now praying on a daily basis that I remember all I have been learning on my journey. The highlighted parts below are what I am feeling right now... 

Jesus draw me ever nearer.
As I labor through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey be a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing;
With your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love you even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at your throne.