Wednesday, March 19, 2014

And I'm Feeling Good

While trying to find the words to write about this past month, a song Michael Buble sings popped into my head:
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze drftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good

Are things just as they should be in my life? Um no... Are there still things that need to be worked on? Um yes... BUT the thing to focus on is that I have been able to spend the last four weeks feeling almost completely free from the horrible grasp of depression, anxiety and panic!

That in itself makes me feel the sun shinning (even when it's gross out) and watch the birds flying (anyone else notice the incredible amount of geese flying around?) and realize that this might be IT, this might be my "new life" possibly free of... or at least nearing the end of my road with... postpartum depression.

I definitely don't want to jump the gun on my assessment of myself. But I do want to celebrate the huge steps I have shown of late including no panic attacks for six weeks and throwing a huge birthday party for Mikayla.

It is funny because I thought when I got to this point I'd feel exuberantly happy about all aspects of my life and everything would be hunky-dory. I guess that is because I expected life had to be perfect for my depression to leave. That in itself shows how much I have grown this past year... life isn't perfect and it is never going to be perfect! I am never going to be perfect! My days will be filled with frustration and joy, that is what it means to be human. God covers me with his incredible grace each and every time I screw up. When the world fails me I know that God never will. 

Tomorrow I am 32 years old. There was a time not to long ago when I didn't want to see my next birthday. God saved me from myself and my illness to live and celebrate who I am... and who I will continue to grow to be until my time in this world is over.

Tomorrow is brimming with new challenges and new joys... and I can't wait to face them!

"Today you are you!
That is truer than true!
There is no one alive...

...who is you-er than you!
Should loud, "I am lucky
to be what I am!
Thank goodness I'm not
just a clam or a ham
Or a dusty old jar of
sour gooseberry jam!
I am what I am! That's a
great thing to be!
If I say so myself,
- Dr. Seuss

Saturday, March 1, 2014

My Husband

I have been wanting to write a post about my husband for a while now... and yet the thoughts, emotions and words in my mind haven't been able to create a cohesive story. At least a story that could be shared and understood. What I feel about Dhrumil, especially after this past year, somehow passes words altogether.

Parts of one of our favorite song by Andrew Peterson will be my guide as I write this.

                                                               Dancing In The Minefields

Well "I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin
'Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found

And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storms
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for

No one tells you how difficult marriage is going to be. Taking two independent souls who have come from two completely different backgrounds and merging them into one? Sure no big deal! I wouldn't say Dhrumil and I went into marriage with our eyes closed, love did not blind us, but it did give us sunglasses. Leave it to marriage to throw you in front of a mirror to exam YOURSELF and see who you REALLY are! Cracks and all... selfishness and all... sin and all... the good and the bad. Marriage changed us... changed us for the better. Prepared us for the role of being completely selfless.

I believe God played a critical role in strengthening our marriage before I was struck with depression. We went through a difficult year after our first child was born... the very foundation we thought formed are marriage was crumbling. We both decided to fight for US and to work as hard as we needed to to save our marriage. With a support system around us and excellent therapists we came out on the other side united as ONE and stronger than we ever thought was possible.

So when I lose my way, find meWhen I lose loves chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days
when I forget my name, remind me

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear
'Cause He promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of this chaos baby,
I can dance with you

During the darkest months of my depression I lost who I was. I had forgotten anything and everything good about me. Dhrumil was right by my side, holding my hand, reminding me who I was. He constantly spoke words of truth, trying so very hard to deter the darkness that was covering me. I can not imagine watching someone you love go through such an illness, an illness that is so out of your own control. But Dhrumil handled it with selflessness, grace and love.
He saw my beauty when I couldn't

It didn't matter how many times I questioned the good in life... Dhrumil was there to remind of the miracles that happen every day. No matter how many times I put myself down in front of him...he was there to encourage me and remind me how amazing I was. When I needed to leave the house... he was there to be with the kids and be the amazing father he is. When I was unable to function... he took care of me, the house, the kids, our life! When I turned my back on God... he let me feel what I needed to feel and ever so gently reminded me of God's love.

God has given me the most amazing gift... and that gift is my husband. The love he showed me and still shows me each and every day encourages me to grow and seek God out more and more. We are a team... however imperfect... covered in grace and unified to grow in God, to lead our children and to love each other more and more every day.

So lets go dancing in the minefields
Lets go sailing in the storms
Oh, lets go dancing in the minefields
And kicking down the doors
Oh, lets go dancing in the minefields
And sailing in the storms
Oh, this is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for