Monday, September 16, 2013

Friday, September 13, 2013

A Week

Today marks a completed first full week that I have been home all day with the kids since my stay in the hospital. I can't believe it had been 7 weeks since taking part in a "normal" week at home.

Was it a perfect week? Um no... who can ever say they have had a perfect week? Especially a mom of two young kids? Was it a good week? YES! I can say with confidence that it was. It is such a wonderful feeling to feel like oneself again...

The "keys" to my success this week?

- Hung out with friends every day
- Knew my support system of friends and husband were only a call away
- Didn't try to set unreachable goals for myself
- Was fully aware of how things effected me
- Got messy with Mikayla
- Let Nolan eat mulch (well to an extent)
- Spent time outside with the kids
- Didn't think ahead!
- Worked on staying in the moment
- Finished each day by telling myself all of the positive things that I did that day
- Asked God for patience
- Drank a lot of Starbucks ;-) (jk... well actually I did... I just told Dhrumil it was a needed coping skill)
- Met with a new therapist, set a plan for going forward, met again with my psychiatrist (all safety nets in place and making me feel secure!)
- Had amazing friends check in on me with texts and emails
- Enjoyed and afternoon with my mom
- Didn't second guess myself!!! (what a challenge)
- Tried to see myself through God's eyes... a beautiful, intelligent woman

The depression and anxiety? Still there... but I am so thankful to God for the ability to charge ahead despite it and also to have more mild symptoms this week. Spending 90 90... of intensive therapy/work, soul searching, soul digging, renewing of my mind, smashing of the negativism, building my self back up... WHATEVER you want to call it... in the span of 7 weeks... it helped! Thank GOD it helped. And I am so very proud of myself for sticking with it.

The road? Still long and bumpy with curves and dips up ahead. But tomorrow is another day, and then there will be another week and yet another and I will continue on. Trying to remember all I have learned and enjoying the moments of clarity that are coming more frequently!

Soli Deo Gloria!

Some of this week

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


I did it! No seriously... I did it!

I have learned to celebrate the small victories in my life... even if it means taking a moment to mentally jump up and down because I took a deep patient breath after Mikayla dropped a glass into my bathtub and two weeks later I am still finding tiny pieces of glass whilst trying to relax in a cloud of bubbles.

So I decided to celebrate my victory today by writing a post.

To preface... Mikayla has a cold, Nolan's nose is a runny faucet and he is getting four teeth at once and Dhrumil (my man who has been doing EVERYTHING for me) is the sickest one out of all of them.

Last night before bed was extremely difficult for me which led to a horrible night of sleep. This morning I had no idea how I would get through the day feeling physically and emotionally drained with two sick babes and an out of service hubby. BUT I did it!

Target Time!
With God by my side I was filled with an energy that I didn't think I could muster. I took each moment at a time and instead of setting lofty goals like keeping the house spotless and everyone laughing all day... I chose to just keep the kitchen clean and take the kid's as they were.

I was able to stay positive even while wrestling Nolan to wipe his nose and waiting for Mikayla to chose the perfect outfit to wear for the day. I even thoroughly enjoyed myself because I left all judgement of myself at the door.

I was able to send my hubby to bed when he came home from work, put the kids to bed bathed and happy and then take a moment to feel good about my day.

Thank you Jesus! Though seemingly small from the outside perspective... I just climbed a mountain today and am still smiling!

My Courage

Patch Adams, Girl Interrupted, A Beautiful Mind, The Snake Pit... these movies were my points of reference for what a mental hospital was supposed to be like. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would end up in one.

But I did...

Courage is defined as the following: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. 

Courage was the last thing I thought I had when I admitted myself into the hospital. I was in crisis and my mind had seemingly run away with any control I might have had left. I no longer wanted to fight and paralyzed by the feelings of being unworthy of my family, friends and even my God... I felt hopeless beyond anything I thought possible. It was as if I was watching myself fall apart... and yet... a small small voice within screamed out for help.

The act of asking for help was the most courageous thing I have ever done. I see that now. In my weakest moment I was STRONG!

The hospital was NOT like I had envisioned... the patients were some of the most courageous people I have ever met. They showed compassion to me from the very start... these people were dealing with their own sicknesses... most without support... and they still took time to ask how I was doing, to give me a reassuring smile, to tell me it would get better. Even when the darkness of depression seemed to overwhelm us, we sought each other and knew that we were not alone in our fight.

Mental illness is real... mental illness is an illness, it is a sickness! I was so judgmental before... even in my first moments at the hospital... looking around at those on my wing thinking how I was not like them. I judged them!

I left a different person.

True courage is asking for help. True courage is looking at all of the dirt built up within you and
working moment by moment to clean it up. True courage is accepting where you are at, even if it is in the midst of an illness that is unlike anything you have ever dealt with.

I have seen the dull eyes of those in pain, I have seen my own eyes staring back filled with despair... and yet I have also seen the small light of courage shine through all of it.

I am grateful for that. I am thankful to God for this journey because through it I have come to understand so so much.