My Courage

Patch Adams, Girl Interrupted, A Beautiful Mind, The Snake Pit... these movies were my points of reference for what a mental hospital was supposed to be like. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would end up in one.

But I did...

Courage is defined as the following: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. 

Courage was the last thing I thought I had when I admitted myself into the hospital. I was in crisis and my mind had seemingly run away with any control I might have had left. I no longer wanted to fight and paralyzed by the feelings of being unworthy of my family, friends and even my God... I felt hopeless beyond anything I thought possible. It was as if I was watching myself fall apart... and yet... a small small voice within screamed out for help.

The act of asking for help was the most courageous thing I have ever done. I see that now. In my weakest moment I was STRONG!

The hospital was NOT like I had envisioned... the patients were some of the most courageous people I have ever met. They showed compassion to me from the very start... these people were dealing with their own sicknesses... most without support... and they still took time to ask how I was doing, to give me a reassuring smile, to tell me it would get better. Even when the darkness of depression seemed to overwhelm us, we sought each other and knew that we were not alone in our fight.

Mental illness is real... mental illness is an illness, it is a sickness! I was so judgmental before... even in my first moments at the hospital... looking around at those on my wing thinking how I was not like them. I judged them!

I left a different person.

True courage is asking for help. True courage is looking at all of the dirt built up within you and
working moment by moment to clean it up. True courage is accepting where you are at, even if it is in the midst of an illness that is unlike anything you have ever dealt with.

I have seen the dull eyes of those in pain, I have seen my own eyes staring back filled with despair... and yet I have also seen the small light of courage shine through all of it.

I am grateful for that. I am thankful to God for this journey because through it I have come to understand so so much.