I believe I have been pretty open about my struggles with God these past months. As I have been reminded... those who have suffered greatly are bound to have a faith crisis at some point. It has been extremely hard to see God's role in my depression... especially in the setbacks. Of late I've been feeling abandoned by Him.
Coming up in the next few months are poignant anniversaries, if you will, of the worst moments in my depression. The first is next week. The knowledge of these anniversaries have put me on edge... the memories flood me like a dam that has been unleashed. These memories, along with the "setbacks," have given me an extremely negative outlook right now and further distrust towards God.
Today I was having a conversation with a dear friend who reminded me how incredibly far I have come this year. Her observation along with the conversations with my therapist and Dhrumil this week seemed to come together as I mulled them over in my head.
And then as I was I about to go to sleep last night the following poem came to me. Tears ran down my face as my own pen spoke the truth of the matter...
I have not been abandoned by God.
And I never will be abandoned by Him.
A Beautiful Realization
You know who you are
You see her right there
She's the one staring
Her eyes glimmering, Her skin fair
You see every flaw
But do you see the girl who is no longer in such pain?
Can you look past where you are
To see where you've come from?
You've climbed reach-less mountains
You've discovered the sun!
Don't dwell on the battles that are sure to still come
But turn your head toward the victories you've already won
God has been there too
or would you rather forget?
He is the one who saved you
AND He's not finished yet
So open your eyes my dear beloved one.
Give yourself mercy...
Give yourself the Son
Beauty and strength
Courage and might
They have all helped you win
Helped you fight the good fight
Now look again
See the girl who has come so far
You can do this, you can beat this
You are who you are
Beauty HE made you
Beauty HE sees
And He is real, He is there
He comes to you like the warm ocean breeze