Thursday, June 16, 2016

Acceptance of Imperfection... again

The high pitched sobs were loud, hot tears poured out over a red face distorted by a mixture of feelings and the body stance was that of defiance. I was witnessing my son trying to come to terms with his emotions, but not yet equipped with the tools to do so... thus a tantrum had ensued. Nolan was upset that his sister set up morning snack and unbeknownst to me, had wanted to do so himself. As I tried to help him over the hump of unbridled emotions into one of acceptance, I was struck with sympathy for his situation. On many occasions acceptance of my circumstances have made me want to do exactly what Nolan was doing and throw myself into a tantrum. But... I'm an adult...

Pregnancy amnesia is real! Now almost into my third trimester and I had forgotten the random aches and pains, exhaustion, moods, hunger, aversions, clumsiness, human incubator, vessel of life, breathlessness and sleeplessness that comes with this joyous time. And did I mention it takes me five times as long to complete any task? (Granted I now have two kids)

Until a few weeks ago I hadn't realized how much pressure I was putting on myself to have a
"perfect" pregnancy. My first trimester was wrought with morning sickness, but with every nauseous feeling I praised God because that meant my baby was still growing. In my second trimester, when I was finally able to believe the baby was going to live, I willed the joy to continue being real because darkness wasn't allowed! And then I hit a few days of feeling down and a week of not being able to sleep and everything was thrown out of whack disrupting the perfection I had unknowingly been trying to achieve.

Accepting I'm an achy imperfect preggo!
I feel like pregnancy, just like postpartum, comes with a "you should be" stamp. If you are not happy and glowing there is something wrong with you. If you are unable to continue to "do it all" you need to sign up for more yoga classes. If you can't attend to everyone's needs then how in the world are you going to take care of another life!?

And then self awareness caught up... I was doing this to myself again. I wasn't accepting my present circumstances, I wasn't accepting that I am a human with flaws. I wasn't allowing myself to remember the difficulties of creating a HUMAN BEING! I was again throwing up the bar so high that I would NEVER reach it, no matter how thankful I felt I should be. This carrying a life thing... this thing is hard. And that's OK! I had to accept that these last few months are going to be hard... and that's OK! Three mile walks filled with braxton hicks? Ok just walk around the block... very slowly. Making dinner filled with braxton hicks? Ok just sit down and leave dinner and give the kids a sandwich. Kids going insane and I'm unable to keep up with them? Fine just let them wreck the house. Fear of not being able to do it all with three instead of two? UM DUH you will never be able to do it all...

And so I head into my last trimester an imperfect, tired and achy Mama, but one who is SO excited to take one step at a time and fully embrace the joy that comes in the moments. How exciting to be growing and learning one little kick at a time.