Sunday, October 19, 2014

A Small Voice

"Mama why don't you run?"

It was dinner time and the four of us were sitting around the table. The excitement from a busy family day was slowly waning and exhaustion and early bedtimes were creeping into view. Glancing at Mikayla, wisps of dark hair framing her face, large soulful eyes staring straight into mine, I could see see she was waiting for an answer.

I gasped... how could my four year old hone in onto something like this? How could such a simple question send my mind reeling? It is true I hadn't run very much in the past month... I have a long list of excuses and reasons why, but in this moment none of them seemed good enough.

I struggled to answer... and regrettably the first words out of my mouth were "Did someone tell you to ask that? Why are you even asking me that?"

I saw confusion come over Mikayla's face and I realized I had spoken harshly. The anger, guilt and frustration I had been feeling at myself for not running had come out in my answer. Quickly I tried to regain my footing and followed up with something along the lines of "Oh you are wondering because I was running so much sometimes mommy just gets busy, but I do want to run again."

This answer seemed to suffice and she went back to eating while happily chatting with Dhrumil about the day and giggling at some crazy antics Nolan was doing with his grilled cheese.

Thankful Mikayla was able to move on so easily from our exchange I sat overcome with all the thoughts and feelings that were pouring over me like a pounding waterfall. I kept hearing her little voice and seeing her eyes that seemed to pierce into my very depths. Why was this one question hitting me so hard? Why was I shaken to my very core? This was about so much more than running.

I felt I had let her down.

Ever Learning
I have never been face to face with the feelings of letting my child down. Of appearing vulnerable and seen as giving up on something... appearing weak... appearing human. For as much as I preach to myself and others how important it is for our children to see our imperfections, it was like a slap in the face knowing my daughter had just seen mine.

And really... who set up this "have to do" list anyways? ME! It should be a "have to do the best you can but you won't get it all done and that's ok" list!

And so I am going to try again. I am going to just be me. One who is imperfect in every way, one who has been saved by God's amazing grace and love. I pray that I can teach my children that it is ok to make be human. Life is an incredible balance of trying and trusting. We can do anything with Him and yet we will continue to mess up  and not do it all because... hey... that's life and that's OK.

"There are things that will remain unfinished in life, 
not because we do them poorly, but because that's how life simply is."

I went for a run this morning... I ran for me... with no strings attached... and it felt great. And if I don't run tomorrow... it's ok...