This afternoon I was hit out of no where with the hopelessness of my situation. I had decided to skip church orchestra practice in the evening because I had no energy to do anything besides take care of the kids. When Dhrumil came home from work he urged me to go do something that would make me happy. Barely seeing as I walked up the stairs to my room... not knowing what I was going to do... I felt a clear and strong voice inside of me say "GO." Strangely I didn't hesitate... I grabbed my violin, said goodbye to Dhrumil and the kids and went to church.
After playing through the first song, the director gave us context behind the songs that were chosen for this Sunday. He said the pastor was going to speak on a particular passage that in essence would reiterate the facts that God sees you, He is with you and He hears your cries. I felt as though he were directing this at me. I quickly blinked back tears... God had heard my cries today... He had seen my hopelessness, He was with me through all of it.
After orchestra I decided to grab dinner and was going to go to the bookstore to eat when I went to the park instead. I sat on a bench overlooking a small pond and after eating decided to close my eyes and be still. In the stillness I heard birds singing their joyful songs and crickets chirping as if in a symphony. The smell of fresh earth and flowers enveloped me and the cool breeze felt as if it were wrapping around me like a crisp sheet on a warm summer night. I was in-tuned to God's creation. Then I heard the voice within me... this time it said "GO HOME" For someone who hadn't been seeking God He was being very loud, clear and direct. For a moment I let my thoughts cloud in... I wanted to stay away... I wanted to go to the bookstore and escape. I stopped my mind again and heard "GO HOME"... and so I went.
As I drove home in silence, windows down, wind blowing my hair... tears started to pour down my face. I didn't want to go back home... I wanted to go somewhere and distract myself from all that had been keeping me down. Again... "GO HOME"... "Why God?"
As I pulled up I noticed Dhrumil was doing yard work and had the back yard still to mow. I walked over to him and he asked if I wanted to mow. Keeping my mind silent and void of thoughts I agreed and went at the mowing with all the power that was left in me. As I pushed the mower my mind was silent... and then God spoke again "I know what is best for you, I know you better than you know yourself, I am with you" The last few patches of grass I sprinted towards, pushing with all of my might, as I finished I noticed the sun had set and the moon was high above. I raised my hands and yelled... "I surrender... Lord God I give you this, You will heal me, You will continue to direct me towards the right treatments, You are with me."
In the twilight as if moved by an invisible force I went to weed the flower bed and heard "My child, this is Not your fault..."
And so I share this story to you... so that you may believe. God is REAL and HE LOVES you!
My experience tonight was a reminder of His individual and infinite love for me. I know I am not done climbing this mountain...I know that tomorrow will be another day of hurdles and battles against this illness and I know that I may lose faith again. BUT I will get through this because of my God and because of all those who are praying for me. He hears us and He does answer...
I lift up my eyes to the mountains-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The lord will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.