Beauty in the Darkness

Anxiety, along with a few other symptoms from PPD, reared their ugly heads during our first family of four mini vacation this past weekend. It was discouraging after having a really good month... almost four weeks of finally feeling like myself again. These past few days I was in a constant battle within myself to just relax. 

Obviously vacations aren't what they used to be... two little kids in tow will do that. The change of scenery is wonderful, change of pace rewarding, having daddy with us all day is fantastic... but let me just put it out there... I think Dhrumil and I are more tired than when we left. Trying to navigate two tiny rooms and who will sleep where, naps, snacks, meals, the hour and a half it took to prepare everyone for the beach, the day of pouring rain, the slathering of sunscreen, the non-stop responsibility.

After a day of rain yesterday, this morning's sun was bright and we were able to enjoy a few hours on the beach before heading home. As I sat on my beach chair nursing Nolan, breathing in the sea air and watching Mikayla and Dhrumil play in the waves, I was thankful for the moment of peace that I felt. Everything stopped... I could just be. It was as if I had forgotten that I still need to live in the now... that I still need to stop and listen and feel God's guidance down this difficult path.

Though these last few days were tough for me in dealing with my illness, there were amazing moments in it! Our family walk on the beach... the special moments I spent with Mikayla collecting shells, swimming in the pool, building castles and running into the waves (she kept looking up at me and saying "this is my most favorite part of the day!") The walk on the beach I had alone with Nolan, who promptly fell asleep in the Ergo and didn't realize it was pouring rain on us as I power walked over the sand back to the hotel... the excitement that both kids were asleep and Dhrumil and I could enjoy sitting on the chairs outside in silence... the family meals. 

All of these moments made it worth it. 

And so... I will look back on this vacation and its precious moments as something beautiful. The moments that I didn't feel like I had to document constantly with my camera, the excitement on Mikayla's face when she looked at the ocean, sweet Nolan eyeing the sand as something he wasn't quite sure of and the loving looks Dhrumil gave to his family. In those moments... I truly lived.

And this postpartum depression thing? I will just keep on fighting the fight until I come out victorious on the other side.