Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Maple Tree

It was a gorgeous day... the breeze brought smells of an active Spring and the sun's warmth was a welcomed distraction to the cloud that seems to follow me most days. After a particularly challenging day Dhrumil had suggested I take the baby for a walk outside and so wanting to oblige I promised him I would do so. 

It wasn't too hard to dunk Nolan into his car seat and hook Willoughby up to his leash. The promise of a possible break from my overwhelming thoughts practically pushed me out the door. As I walked I took in the neighbor's freshly mowed lawns, pretty flowers and newly mulched beds. Nolan's smiles and babbling seemed to go hand in hand with the innocence and sincere newness of the earth around me. 

Scanning a particularly beautiful yard my eyes stopped on a large Maple tree that stood tall and proud. I felt as though its inviting limbs were beckoning to me. Its branches were perfect for climbing... up and up... away from it all... don't look back,  just keep on climbing. It took everything in me to not park the stroller right there and run over to the tree and escape. 

When I was little one of my favorite things to do was to climb the Maple in my backyard. It was "my" tree and a place I would go to be alone. I remember climbing up to "my" branch, book in hand, water jug around my neck. Having not a care in the world I would read to my heart's delight. I felt such peace in those moments. I loved my tree so much I remember wishing I could spend the night in it. 

In my teenage years I would climb to my branch to think and pray and to make sense of life. It was the escape I needed in times of teenage angst. No matter how long I wanted to stay sitting on my branch, I always had to come down. I couldn't stay hidden in my tree forever and had to face whatever it was by climbing down and moving on.

And so, with a wistful glance, I decided to keep walking. It is easier to face what is before me now instead of hiding from it. Besides... I'm not sure my thirty something self could make it up a tree without injury.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Let's Plant a Garden!

The nature of the postpartum depression beast (at least the one I am dealing with) can be swings of highs and lows. Last weekend I experienced a pretty extended high (meaning I felt like my old self for the most part) and for that I am truly grateful. I am not sure if it was because of the people I had around me, the fact that Dhrumil was no longer working late hours, the fish oil I have been taking or that I worked multiple hours outside in our yard... but whatever it was... it helped give me the push I needed to feel that I can beat this!

Mothers Day was gorgeous out and along with my sister and brother in law... we finished up the work that had been started on Friday. There is a book that I read to Mikayla and thought it perfect for these pictures.

Let's Plant a Garden!

It's the perfect day!

Dig some holes, plant some seeds, then put the tools away.

Look at what will bloom with just some soil, sun and spray!

And every day we'll snip a few

to make a sweet bouquet!

Happy mothers day!


It's amazing to me how much is learned when one is at their lowest. I have had many valleys in my life, but never one quite like this. No matter how far I have fallen in the past... I have always had some form of control. It is as if I had been thrown into an ocean of choppy waters and though I looked to God to keep me afloat, I didn't give Him my whole weight. There was still part of me the kept myself afloat.

Dealing with this illness has forced me to throw my whole weight into God's arms and to be kept afloat by Him... and ONLY Him. What a feeling... the feeling of not having control BUT knowing that God has the control. This can be so reassuring and fill you with SUCH peace! On a daily basis I try so hard to hand over my control and trust in Him.

I have come to treasure the joy I have in life so much more on my good days and on those days when I don't think I will ever feel happiness again... I must take each moment at a time, mentally placing my hands in God's and trusting that He will continue to guide me towards His Glory!

Feeling joyful in the moment!
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for my glory!"
Out of all the voices calling me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
- Casting Crowns

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Just Do

I've found that taking the thinking out of every day things has helped me a bit. I don't suggest doing this all the time, but sometimes it's ok to just go with the flow. And so I give you my list from the past few days.

I'm not going to think... I'm just going to do:

1. Cut Mikayla's hair... myself... (have not attempted since a lopsided cut done to my sister's hair back in high school) *Note to self... do not ask a three year old her opinion because may not always come out so great... thankfully this time all was good

2. Clean out super messy everything closet that hasn't been touched since the move

3. Push Nolan's stroller through tall grass to get close to cows and covered bridge (those who have pushed a snap and go through grass know how tough it can be)   

4. Eat large waffle cone filled with many scoops of ice cream and possibly made by the cows I just saw

5. The mounds of laundry

6. Slide down a very twisty slide with Mikayla on my lap

7. Take deep breaths

8. Read instead of watch TV

9. Walk around the block two times instead of one

10. Play Chutes and Ladders instead of cleaning

11. Paint small nails in a pretty pink color in the kitchen instead of normal designated spot in the bathroom

12. Mow the lawn on a Sunday morning

13. Not try to obsessively figure out why Nolan is now waking up in the middle of the night

14. Take long hot bath the second Dhrumil got home from his work trip

15. Get the deluxe pedicure

16. Join a gym (for those of you who know me well... yup)

Friday, May 3, 2013


Sometimes I ask... "Why me?" Well actually lately I have been asking that on a regular basis. I guess that's the phase I'm going through... the "why the heck do I have to go through this" phase. My very insides have been yelling out to God...

"Yes I know God, You only give us as much as we can handle, yes we learn through our trials, yes I      will become closer to You... BUT WHY ME!? WHY NOW!? I want to be loving life, I want to be enjoying every second of it, but I am trapped under a blanket of sorrow, doubt, self contentment, fear, anxiousness..."

And yet even now I can see the work being done in my life in the midst of this hell I am living in. I am grasping onto each moment with every fiber of my being... clinging onto the small joys Nolan's smile brings, the moment of elation felt from something silly Mikayla says and the glimmer of warmth in my heart from the way Dhrumil looks at me with such love.

I am caught by surprise of the compassion I am now starting to feel for those who have battled mental illness... understanding that this is truly something uncontrollable... real... and also something that can be beat.

Now understanding how in the midst of such sorrow people cling to the One who gives them peace and rescues them from everything.

I see all of this... I understand all of this... and yet I wonder again... "why me?"

There is a time to question... but then there is a time to accept, move on and try with all of your might to live. To know that this is only a season and to keep moving on.

The past week I have been listening to this song on a daily basis and it helps me feel as though I can beat this...

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

- Phillip Phillips