Dementors and Roundabout - This is Where I'm At

I have been out of blog "service" for the past few weeks because I went on vacation last week (post on that to come) and my three days a week of Intensive Outpatient Therapy are exhausting and draining.

My IOP days comprise of sitting in a windowless room filled with depressed and anxious people and participating in six grueling hours of group therapy. Don't get me wrong... it is helping SO much... but digging deep into my soul for any positive affirmation of myself that may be left and any "green sprout" of self worth and respect that can be captured, nurtured and coxed to grow in such a hazardous wasteland is not my idea of a good time.  

Look at it this way (and here is my wonderful Harry Potter analogy) it is as if a Dementor* is sucking my soul out and in therapy I am trying everything in me to produce a patronus charm** in order to get it away and move on.

HP Definitions:

* Dementor (aka depression) - a non being that feeds off of human happiness. They drain the peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them. They leave nothing left but a shell of a person behind.

** Patronus Charm (aka my fight) - The spell that gets rid of a dementor - one must think of the happiest memory to produce it

And so that brings me to today and where I'm at in my recovery... and what will I use to describe it? Another analogy of course!

This morning at the playground the roundabout caught my eye and I had an AH-HA moment. It is as if I am stuck in the middle and it is turning so fast that everything is blurry. There is no possibility of me getting off because of the speed and though I am trying my hardest to creep towards the end to slow it down a source of gravity keeps throwing me back in the middle.

Sometimes the roundabout slows down as progress is made through therapy, journaling, prayer, family and friends help... I am able to grasp a glimpse of hope, or am able to accomplish a little goal such as being alone with the kids all day by myself, making a meal or organizing the toys... but then it starts up again going faster and faster, making me dizzier and dizzier. Creating disorientation and a lack of clarity.

That's it... that's where I am. I see progress and yet I don't. I feel like a broken record to those around me... the symptoms persist though I am able to cope with more strength. It is a battle in the mind and it is unyielding, unsympathetic and ruthless.

I guess I will just hold on to the center of the roundabout while the "ride" continues and work on perfecting my patronus charm. ;-)