Evenings

Evenings are usually the toughest for me. I am physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted and my guard is down. Since I've been home from the hospital my hardest battles seem to come after 7pm. Negative thoughts want to overwhelm me and drown out anything positive that happened during the day.

Even now as I try to write this my entire self is screaming "JUST STOP THINKING!" It is so hard not be frustrated with the lack of energy I have right now and this has been plaguing me this evening. Thankfully a nurse at the intensive outpatient program I started today said something that really hit home... she said to think about what I went through last week as surgery and I needed a recovery time. My body needs time to recover from the mental exhaustion and though I may look perfectly fine, I really needed to give myself a break.

And so, as difficult as it may be, I am trying to give myself the ability to stop and not try to do everything. This is SO hard for me, but I feel that through this whole experience that is one more lesson I have to learn and that I can carry on with me once I have beat this storm.

When the negative thoughts come at night and the darkness seems overwhelming as they are now I refer back to Pslam 139, particularly verses 11 and 12...

                      If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
                                   and the light become night around me,”
¹²                       even the darkness will not be dark to you;
                                          the night will shine like the day,
                                             for darkness is as light to you.

Last night a picture came to me after I read this passage. God is the big spotlight lighting my path through the darkness. What a comforting thought!

Happy moment today