Let's Have a Party

I feel like devoting a post to a pity party.

Though this may not be the mature, correct and helpful thing to do I believe it is necessary for me at this moment.

And so...

You're Invited to ElisaBeth's Pity Party!
Where? Right Here
When? Right Now
What? A non-celebration of how frustrating Postpartum Depression can be
Why? Because... it sucks

This evening my wonderful husband didn't blink twice when I asked if I could head out alone for the last five hours of the day. He was left to conquer feeding the baby peas and a bottle, putting both kids to bed while simultaneously dealing with the sweet and salty attitude of our three year old who is coming off of being sick. I am so thankful to be able to leave on a whim and know that Dhrumil has everything under control at home. I feel that this freedom of leaving really helps me at times.

After seeing Despicable Me 2 (which was very funny), grabbing a burrito and then reading magazines (such as Time and Psychology Today in which I hoped would help keep my brain working on things besides the color of baby poo) at the bookstore, I decided to peruse the depression aisle.

***DISCLAIMER: When one searches the depression aisle one should probably not have the expectation of feeling happier after one skims books on this topic.***

There were no books on PPD and so I decided to check out a few on "mainstream" depression. After reading one section of a book on what one needs to do to not feel so tired... I dropped my hands in defeat and just stared at the shelves of books in front of me. They blurred into one large blob and that's when it hit me... again...

WHY do I have deal with this!? WHY now!? WHY WHY WHY!? WHY can't life just be simple!?

***DISCLAIMER: I know that everyone everywhere deals with something and many may have much worse situations than myself, but this is my pity party and so I will continue on in this manner for a few more paragraphs***

I am learning to be a mom of two, I am learning to stay at home with my kids, I am learning to live in a new place, I am learning to understand who I am in these situations, I am still healing from carrying life for nine months, I am still sustaining life by nursing my child, I am a wife, I am a cleaner, I am a cook, I am the lawn service, I am a dog walker, I am, I am , I am...

And so WHY do I have deal with this blasted postpartum depression on top of it all!? Life is challenging enough... really. And this author in this book has the GAUL to tell me I have to do a whole list of other things on top of my normal day to day to just try to get back to being normal!?

No wonder those who are depressed want to just sit and stare into the oblivion... it can just be too much to handle sometimes.

I digress...

Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow I will wake up and though I can not predict if I will be able to pop right out of bed and move ahead or if I will have to muster all of the strength left in me just to sit up, tomorrow I will no longer pity myself. I will be ready to once again fight the fight against this illness. I will continue to try with all of my heart to smile and laugh when my daughter does a silly dance, to inhale the sweet baby perfume of my son's breath while he coos in my face, to feel the ever steady arms of my husband's embrace and to thank God for giving me the will to keep on going and finding His blessings in the smallest of triumphs.

A happy moment today... on our way to breakfast as a family