The Ever Moving Staircase

Driving home from Chick fil a in my mini van, two little ones in the backseat, me weary of sleepless nights, I found tears gathering in my eyes as the last movement of Tchaikovsky's fifth symphony played on the radio. Remembering the music as an old friend and anticipating what passages came next, it was ironic that today of all days I happened upon this piece.

Visiting the Cliffs of Moher

Lately I have been thinking back on different events in my life and I guess, sadly, have thought to myself... what was the point? Why dedicate myself for so many years to classical ballet training? A memory of trying on my first point shoes popping into my head, remembering tidbits of ballets I performed in and countless hours of practice. I always knew I was never going to be a professional, but now, a woman of almost 31, I think to myself... what purpose does it serve now?

And what about the hours given to my violin? Numerous pieces memorized, passages practiced over and over again, hours spent trying to perfect. Time spent working on symphonies such as the Tchai 5, only to have played it and then have it vanish into a sea of forgotten memories.

One time place of employment

I feel the my road into adulthood was paved with dedicating myself to the art forms of ballet, violin and theatre, to making and losing friends, to expanding myself by traveling around the world, to all those years in school, and then to my career. An ever moving staircase carrying me up, up, up. The world at my finger tips, wanting everything, lacking nothing.

And now?

Why at 30 do I feel that I now must take a backseat to that ever moving staircase? That all at once it has become stagnant and what can I show for it? I am at home with my two beautiful children, but do these experiences help me help them? Do they help me? Must I just sit a dream about what I did and mourn that it will never be done again?

And so with all of these depressing thoughts swirling around me lately, I broached the subject with my sister while out to coffee the other day. Her answer was quite simple... you did those things because IN THE MOMENT you were living them. IN THE MOMENT you were experiencing. I am now a more well rounded person because of it...

That made me think... I am not done developing myself. Achieving the end all I guess I had in my mind (husband, 2.5 kids, house...) it is not the end. Yes I do want to give my children every opportunity to do great things, to jump on that moving staircase, but I don't have to lock my ambitions into a nice suitcase and throw it away or jump into the back seat of my children's lives. On the contrary... if I continue to pursue things for myself I will be a living example to Mikayla and Nolan that you never stop learning, you never stop developing your talents and you never stop striving to be the person God has created you to be.

And so...

Amsterdam

Yes I miss the freedom of my "youth", the ease that I now see I had in being able to be a part of things. But my life is not over. Far from it... I can now pursue my dreams with a view of all that I have already experienced in the past.

But most of all... God has placed me where He wants right now and there is purpose in it! Just like there was purpose in all of those hours doing homework, pointing my toes, practicing my violin until my fingers hurt and completing projects at work.

I pray that in those days when I am covered in spit up, holding a crying baby, wiping applesauce off the floor and chasing my toddler that I can remember that THIS MOMENT is special and there is purpose in all that I do!

I am Fearfully and WONDERFULLY made!