The Final Day

I wanted to write a post all day to capture my feelings coming into my last day in the working world. I have been stuck here all night looking at paint colors for the new house and avoiding writing down anything. Even now the words seem to struggle their way out of me, being held in by some invisible hold inside my brain.

I could blame this feeling-constipation on the exhaustion that pregnancy brings, on the fact that it is late and I have no more thoughts left or just on how overwhelming all of the changes in my life are right now that I can't focus on one thing.

I think the fact is... I haven't really had time to process this huge step that I am taking. In a way, I will be putting myself to the side for an unknown amount of time and dedicating my time to my children... to my family. That is scary. A small voice inside keeps saying "what about me!?" But I am doing this for me to... and there in lies the balance that I have to find! Never again will Mikayla be 2, never again will the baby inside of me be the sweet kicking life that she/he is now. Life is gone in an instant and I want to embrace these precious moments of when my sweet children are young. And so... I made this decision. I alone made it.

The good ole days... 

When I was in college I met a few young women who were going for their "Mrs" degree and I scoffed at that. Why pay so much to just get married and have babies!? My plans were set... find a job, find a husband, work for a while, have kids and then decide what to do.

I had really wanted to go into the arts and work in administration, but God had other plans. A month after college I was given an opportunity at an Oil company and because nothing else was coming along I took it. At the time I looked at this job as just a job... not a passion. The job ended when we were bought out and I took a few months to figure out what to do next... that is when a non profit fell into my lap. Again abandoning the thoughts of working in the arts I went to work at a College. I learned a ton in this tough environment and grew tremendously as a person. It was a blessing in disguise when I lost that job due to budget cuts. I fervently searched for another job in the non profit sector... but God had other plans. After ignoring a friend's offer to get me into another Oil company for about a month, I finally gave her the green light and after one interview and two days I had a job.

It was a breath of fresh air getting out of the politics of the College and back into the corporate world, where strangely enough, politics didn't seem to erode my day to day work. I grew so much in those first few years, becoming more confident as the days went by. I worked with a team of strong women and learned from watching them. Then... a baby came our way.

The night before I went back to work

When I became pregnant I didn't immediately start thinking what I would do next... I just kept avoiding the subject. Dhrumil was happy with whatever I chose and so as time drew closer for Mikayla to be born I decided to just take it a day at a time and start with three months maternity. After she was born I couldn't even fathom the idea of going back to work. So I again, doing what I do best, pushed those thoughts aside. As time grew closer for me to go back to work my mom offered to come and watch Mikayla so I could go stress free and just give it a chance.

The first few weeks back at work were horrible. I cried constantly and I missed my baby girl so much, but I knew being at work was good for me. If I didn't experience this, I would always have wondered what would have happened... maybe I would have been filled with regret? And so I pushed on... a few months after my boss approached me with an idea to take on a second role and I started thinking... maybe I could ask for this new role to be part time.

Sharing a moment after I came home from work

God again blessed me and my boss agreed. After working full time for four months with Mikayla, I was to begin a 24 hour week. How special it was to have those afternoons with my sweet girl! To finally have a whole day off to spend... just the two of us. I was able to have the balance of work and of family that I had truly wanted.

My new role was wonderful and I fell into it with ease. It was like this was the job I was always looking for. It's funny how things happen that way... I wished I had been able to find it sooner in my career, but I just went with it and gave it my all. It was still tough though... working and having a little one. Never enough time for anything. Maybe that is just how life is.

After I became pregnant with number two I knew I was ready to be done. I wanted to spend the last precious months with Mikayla before she became one of two. And so after prayer, thought, talking with Dhrumil... I decided on this decision. Things just moved from there... Dhrumil got a transfer to PA, the timing couldn't have been better, we could financially make it work and so it was time to be done.

I am filled with sadness to be leaving such a wonderful company. I am filled with anxiety wondering how I will be as a mom who is at home full time. I want to dive head first into mommyville, but I don't want to lose me in the process.

Maybe "me" is just going to change... and for the better?

I go into work tomorrow confident of my choice. Peace surrounds me and I know I can do it! We all have fears no matter what the situation and only by taking one step at a time will those fears be dulled and a true sense of self be found!

I am a wife... I am a mom... I am a strong woman... I am ME! I can't wait to see how this new step in life continues to shape who I will become.

Looking forward for what is to come!!