Being a mom

Mikayla's Bad Day

Today is one of those days where I ask myself... am I really cut out for this? To which myself replies... well you have been thrown into the pool so you better swim because drowning is NOT an option.

To what am I referring to in this conversation with myself you ask?

Being a mother.

Today I felt having a newborn was easier, that even though I was clueless at the beginning I somehow figured it out, but today? This moment? I have NO clue what to do. Hard feeling to deal with... the overwhelming sense of not knowing what to do and the thought of “am I doing this right” looming over you like a big huge thunder cloud ready to burst.

And burst it did.

Mikayla being sick so much has really taken a toll on all of us. First my poor baby is so uncomfortable and in pain and I hate that. On top of that throw in 3 months of almost non stop sickness, me catching almost everything Mikayla has had, exhaustion and stress of missing work because we have no back up for daycare. It finally all caught up with me in the latest sickness of double ear infection combined with Mikayla’s new found independence in pointing to things.

Today being my day off I thought I would take Mikayla to the mall and give her something different then the house she has been stuck in all week since she has been sick. I packed her lunch and after her nap we headed to the mall. A nice walk, starbucks, the smell of Barnes and Noble, fun in the kids play area and a nice lunch together was what I desired.

Cue the kid who ran past Mikayla in the kids play area and side swiped her so hard her little cheek got bright and pink for the next half hour.
Baby feeling... SCREAM
Mommy feeling... how did that happen so fast? No matter how fast it was I should have used my inhuman reflexes and pulled her away when I saw that kid running.

Next... lunch. Grabbed subway so I could eat while Mikayla ate. Pushing stroller, carrying daughter who did not want to sit in stroller, diaper bag falling off shoulder and dragging highchair, which I knew having read a study was infested with bacteria, I made it to a table in the food court. I then proceeded to put down the sticky place mat on the table to which Mikayla kept ripping off and screaming to which I continued to try to stick the stupid thing down on the table.
Baby feeling... this is fun
Mommy feeling... should I care this much about bacteria?

Opening the packed lunch Mikayla started to throw food in her mouth faster than I was able to cut into little pieces prompting her to scream. She then wanted water, mommy’s water, she then pointed to the apple sauce, pointing, grunting, screaming, pointing, grunting, screaming to which I could not keep up pace and to which the points to randomness further confused me and further frustrated Mikayla.

Subway sandwich untouched, daughter covered in avocado, mommy covered in avocado, I decided lunch was over and put a disgruntled little girl into the stroller.
Baby feeling... scream
Mommy feeling... I just want to SOB and throw in the towel

Getting a hold of myself I made it to the car, Mikayla fell asleep in the next minute and I cried to my mom on the phone. Her words? You won’t know what to do most times as a mother, but you will figure out. Sigh...

We made it!