A Picture

Somedays... well most days... I have a moment... or a bunch of moments, where I think to myself:

 "Am I doing enough for my kids, am I being enough for them, am I exemplifying love, God's love? Is the love Dhrumil and I have for each other being seen by Mikayla and Nolan or do they just notice the chaos and sometimes frustration that comes after a long day and a thrown together dinner?"

On those harder days... those days where depression still lurks and bears its ugly head, my answer is always a big fat "NO!" I once again find myself clouded and unable to see my true self... my Godly self... covered in grace and illuminating love that can only come from Him. The true person who He has created me to be. Instead I see someone full of failure and mistakes who will only be able to pass on that failure and those mistakes to my offspring.

Last week was a tough one for me.  Setback weeks (as Dhrumil and I tend to call them) usually are. To put a smile on my face Dhrumil and Nolan came home from the store with one rose for Mikayla and one for myself. After putting the beauties in their vases I set about getting the kids in their seats for dinner and running around in my usual flurry of dinner chaos. As I was spooning food onto the kids' plates the song Better Together started playing over the speaker. Being our wedding song, Dhrumil grabbed my hand and pulled me into the family room to dance. Of course I was still in my "chaos dinner mode" but with Dhrumil's help, and the kids' cheers, I was able to stop for a minute and just dance. As we twirled around the carpeted floor Mikayla's megawatt smile was hard to miss though I didn't think much of it at the time. After dinner Mikayla was on a mission... she sat down with markers and paper and with determination on her face silently worked. Then she handed us this...

She captured the moment perfectly... I smiled, told her how lovely it was, felt loved and then hung it up in our room.

It wasn't until about a week later that I truly looked at the picture. My clouded view had somewhat lifted and I was struck by what I saw. Mikayla's view of the moment... the truth. All I had remembered about that day was what I hadn't been able to give her, but what she remembered about that day was what I did give her... happiness and love shown between her parents. This was the reminder I needed... I am doing so much more in a positive light than I am able to fully comprehend. I am doing a good job!

Dhrumil brought up a great question after I told him about my thoughts on the picture...If God were to draw a picture of you... what would it look like? Truly?

His child... beautiful, loved beyond measure, cherished, cared for, ENOUGH.

A Small Voice

"Mama why don't you run?"

It was dinner time and the four of us were sitting around the table. The excitement from a busy family day was slowly waning and exhaustion and early bedtimes were creeping into view. Glancing at Mikayla, wisps of dark hair framing her face, large soulful eyes staring straight into mine, I could see see she was waiting for an answer.

I gasped... how could my four year old hone in onto something like this? How could such a simple question send my mind reeling? It is true I hadn't run very much in the past month... I have a long list of excuses and reasons why, but in this moment none of them seemed good enough.

I struggled to answer... and regrettably the first words out of my mouth were "Did someone tell you to ask that? Why are you even asking me that?"

I saw confusion come over Mikayla's face and I realized I had spoken harshly. The anger, guilt and frustration I had been feeling at myself for not running had come out in my answer. Quickly I tried to regain my footing and followed up with something along the lines of "Oh you are wondering because I was running so much before...um... sometimes mommy just gets busy, but I do want to run again."

This answer seemed to suffice and she went back to eating while happily chatting with Dhrumil about the day and giggling at some crazy antics Nolan was doing with his grilled cheese.

Thankful Mikayla was able to move on so easily from our exchange I sat overcome with all the thoughts and feelings that were pouring over me like a pounding waterfall. I kept hearing her little voice and seeing her eyes that seemed to pierce into my very depths. Why was this one question hitting me so hard? Why was I shaken to my very core? This was about so much more than running.

I felt I had let her down.

Ever Learning

I have never been face to face with the feelings of letting my child down. Of appearing vulnerable and seen as giving up on something... appearing weak... appearing human. For as much as I preach to myself and others how important it is for our children to see our imperfections, it was like a slap in the face knowing my daughter had just seen mine.

And really... who set up this "have to do" list anyways? ME! It should be a "have to do the best you can but you won't get it all done and that's ok" list!

And so I am going to try again. I am going to just be me. One who is imperfect in every way, one who has been saved by God's amazing grace and love. I pray that I can teach my children that it is ok to make mistakes...to be human. Life is an incredible balance of trying and trusting. We can do anything with Him and yet we will continue to mess up  and not do it all because... hey... that's life and that's OK.

"There are things that will remain unfinished in life, 

not because we do them poorly, but because that's how life simply is."

I went for a run this morning... I ran for me... with no strings attached... and it felt great. And if I don't run tomorrow... it's ok...

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Last Friday night I found myself amidst 700+ people in the middle of a field in "Amish paradise" Pennsylvania. I definitely felt out of my element amongst the gobs of people (many Amish) who were all psyching up to run a 5K down tree and corn-lined country roads and through a field normally reserved for tractors.

Gulping in air pungent with farmland, the Amish pasta party and fuel from the burners filling up hot air balloons, I tried to calm my anxiety and remember why I was running...

SELF RESPECT 

A few months ago I was challenged by my counselor to find something that would be symbolic of the self respect I was building within myself. I started running back in April and along with the obvious physical energy it has given me, the mental clarity has been refreshing.

Ready to DO this!

Typically my type of running requires me alone, on a road, with nothing but the wind in my ears and a tune in my head to keep my pace up and my thoughts out. My jogging/running has been pressure free and 100% for myself.

My challenge for this 5K was to keep the pressure out while reminding myself that I was building:

pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity...

As well as celebrating the fact that I was doing something I NEVER thought I would... that in itself

was confidence building!

And so with all of that on my mind I lined up with the hundreds of people waiting for the starting shot. Dhrumil and the kids were on the sidelines cheering me on and the friend who had encouraged me to sign up was right beside me. I was ready!

my crazy sprint

The energy and exhilaration that comes from running with so many people was astounding. I felt light as I ran... all judgements, pressures and anxieties floated up up and away, vanishing past the hot air balloons overhead. 

There were two times during that last mile when I was hit by cramps in my side, but my determination to continue running helped me charge on. I kept telling myself "SELF RESPECT" and "JUST CONQUER IT LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN CONQUERING PPD!"Coming up to the finish line I was overcome with crazy energy and hearing the cheers from Mikayla and Dhrumil I sprinted to the end. 

I did it... I showed myself respect and love. I finished the race... and I did it with dignity and honor. I pray I can use this illustration going forward. Each new hurdle life throws can be mastered God's grace, love and pride and confidence in myself.

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.

But one thing I do: Forgetting what lies behind and straining toward what is ahead,

I press on toward the goal to win the prize 

for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus

Philippians 3: 13-14

Praying my kids see God's confidence in them so they can see it in themselves!

The Zoo Experience... Most photos can be deceiving

This zoo story needed to be prefaced by some important facts:

• As I write this I am eating a mug of ice cream
• The kids and I decided to join Dhrumil on his business trip to Toledo in hopes of enjoying the
  indoor pool, visiting friends in Dayton and basically not having to endure a whole week at home alone.
• A week ago Nolan caught the Hand, Foot and Mouth virus...
• 3 days after that Mikayla caught a milder version 
• 3 days after that Dhrumil caught the adult version (yes by that time we were in Toledo)
• Nolan has been waking up at 5:30am in the hotel, this morning it was 4:30 and he fell back asleep in our bed, head jammed against my side, for only about a half hour 
• Nolan is going through a "yell talk" and "attempting to run everywhere or only be held by Mama while sucking his thumb" stage 
• Mikayla is going through a... Yeah don't know how to explain her stage ;)

Ok so basically...  One heck of a loooooong week and a half, tired kids, tired mama, need to leave the hotel, it's Toledo, there's a zoo... type of thing going on.

And so... Did I think it would be all roses? No. Ok fine maybe a small part of me hoped for a miracle. I have never attempted something of this magnitude with both if them  in tow before, but I decided to just give it a go and if it got rough we would just leave.

We pulled into the zoo and after taking 5-10 minutes arranging the double stroller, strategically placing water and snacks within reach and taking a deep breath telling myself I could DO THIS I went to grab Nolan who had just fallen asleep. He was not happy I disturbed his slumber and let out a very loud wail as I tried to lovingly pin him down and strap him into the stroller. Mikayla got in easily and the three of us (one screaming with every part of him) walked to the entrance invoking  every pity stare and sighs of "thank God that's not my child" from all the people we passed. 

He eventually stopped and for about an hour we had a really good time. I had us go on the train ride around Africa and though the picture above may show what the majority of our time looked like, we did have a joyful experience on that train.

And here is the last hour in a nutshell:

• Pushing my double stroller all over a zoo takes physical muscles
• Pushing my stroller all over the zoo with a whining 4 year old and holding a crying 1 year old takes more physical muscle and even more mental muscle (especially when it includes and very steep hill to get to the overpass)
• The kids would rather play on the zoo playground than watch the monkeys play on their playground
• When I said "Mikayla look the wolves are so close" she said "can we see something else"
• When I said "Nolan look the wolves are so close" he said "ball ball" (there was a ball in their area)
• Throwing pennies in the fountain was the high point of the visit
• When watching a mother struggle with her double stroller and heavy doors, trying to make it into the bird experience house with the grace of a peacock, DONT JUST STARE!
• Mikayla on being hungry "I'm so hungry my tongue is going to turn red if I don't eat soon"
• $8.50 is not a well spent dollar on a PB&J that was refused by a 1 year old

How long did we stay? Two hours... I was hot, sweaty, carrying Nolan, pushing a very tired Mikayla and just wanted to ask them to stick me in the Ape house where I'd yell "I give up!"

BUT it was worth it because..

I am thankful for seeing Mikayla's face light up in the bird house as the birds flew above her. I am thankful for watching Nolan popping his little face in and out of the play beaver house, giggles filling up the hollow cave. I am thankful for the quiet train ride, holding my babies close, feeling the wind in my hair and watch in the magnificent giraffes. I am thankful to know that I did it! A year ago, knee deep on my recovery,  I couldn't even go a week alone with the kids. 

This was a victory for me... All that other stuff? Just good stories to tell to the kids when they are older. 

A Search for the Truth

Being a believer of Christ since I was four years old, and having a personal relationship with Him every day since, does not seem to merit the title of this post. And yet... here it is.

Here I am.

It used to be as easy as knowing God, trusting God, fully believing in God... and that was that. And that is still how it is for most people I know.

Tim Keller  has said "Suffering awakens us out of our haunted sleep of spiritual sufficiency into a serious search for the divine."

When I read this quote a sense of relief calmed my anxious soul. It is ok to question. It is ok to search
for the truth. I still believed, and yet I wasn't 100% anymore. What did my relationship with God mean anymore? I had felt so abandoned by God in my darkest hours that I could no longer trust that He is who He says He is.

Message on a parking garage wall... I found it when I needed to

Lately... ok more like the past 10 months... I have been doing some major soul searching. My soul searching usually goes like this:

• Feel anger towards God about my depression and all associated with it
• Unable to speak to God
• Must force self to go to church, to talk about God, to make it like all was ok with Him
• God speaks through someone or something and it makes me think
• I talk it out to Dhrumil or anyone I feel will listen with an open mind
• I move a little closer back in the direction of Him
• I have a setback
• Feel anger towards God about my depression and all associated with it

You get the general idea...

Where I get confused about this soul searching journey is when I read over my posts early on in my diagnosis of PPD. They are full of suffering and yet they are also full of hope and trust in God. I was THANKFUL for my depression and I felt there was a REASON to it and I knew that God was with me. It wasn't until many months into it, when I started to mentally feel better, that the anger began.

Which brings me to last night, my incessant questioning and my latest challenge... what is the point to all of this suffering? Is it even worth living in such a horrible place? God what is the POINT to this life?

I saw the movie The Giver and it got me thinking... more like sat in the car after I saw it and stared into oblivion for good long while. And then I drove to the bookstore and sat in the bookstore and stared into oblivion for a good long while.

Do you see things in black and white? Wouldn't it be easier that way? No one would judge the color of one's skin. Life's rules would be understood. You do or you don't. Order would reign supreme.

What about the Bible? It could be interpreted in one way and one way only... every passage would be completely understood and every person would understand it in the way it was "supposed" to be understood. There would be no gray, no blurring, just clarity.

I will spare you the "book review" but the basic gist of the movie is that a community sees in black and white, they have been "spared" of all pain and suffering and they all go about their business in contentment and near perfection. The thing is that they have also been "spared" what love and true joy is.

I won't ruin the ending, but this was my takeaway:

With all of the crap in the world... the horrors... there is joy and love and so much to experience and through these experiences we still can see the true beauty of life. We were given choices, but there is also just life that doesn't come from choice, but just comes from living in a fallen world. But those moments of joy and love... those moments that give us glimpses of heaven and a tiny bit of what God's love is like... it makes it all worth it.

Black and white would not give you this. Clarity would not give you this. Like Mother Theresa said "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust."

I have trust that this where I am supposed to be in my journey. Trust that hope can once more reign supreme. And trust that I will once again run into the arms of my Savior.

All Quiet on the Social Media Front

Something new has been evolving in myself. It is called the JUST DO IT effect. Usually when I make a big decision I debate it in my head, talk it over with Dhrumil and friends, debate it again, maybe get my toes wet with the idea, maybe back out, then get my toes wet again... you get the idea. Anyways the first time I noticed this "new me" was when I decided to start running back in April. I had been toying with the idea of exercising and eating better but then one night I said to myself... you just need to get healthy... and the next day, and consecutive days after, I did just that. The same thing happened with my social media pause...

A few weeks ago I decided to "break up" with Facebook and Instagram for a while. The thought of doing this terrified me for many reasons:

- What would I do when I was sitting in a chair with a few brain moments to spare?
- Who would I share my adorable kid pictures with?
- Who would I share with the AMAZING ice cream I was eating RIGHT at that moment!?
- How many births/marriages/adoptions/growths of little children/birthdays would I miss?
- Whose vacation pictures would I miss?
- How many good recipes would I miss?
- What would I do with my iphone?
- What would I do during commercials?
- I would be more - gasp - out - gasp - of the loop - gasp - than I already am being in mama-loo-loo land gasp!
- What would I do without the gobs of information posted by my friends?
- How would I parent without all of the important top 30 lists of how I could be better?

Enjoying THIS moment... wait is that over-share?

But even with all of those reasons (which seem SO petty and SO ridiculous when I read them) I decided that it just needed to be done.

My motivation? I wanted to honor and remember the time that I spent in the hospital a year ago. While
there, I was completely unplugged from tv, computer and phone. It was pretty freeing and though I didn't want to go all the way this time, I thought that giving up social media would be one small way that I could pay homage to what I had gone through.

And so I woke up one morning, a few days before my hospitalization "anniversary" and decided then and there that I would begin my day without a media life line.

How was it?

Well the first few days were tough. I'd stare my phone I was holding and try to think of something else I could do. I started reading the news (super depressing) because I had nothing else to read on my phone. I started texting pictures of the kids to my parents and sister because someone needed to see them besides me. But then something pretty cool happened. I put down my phone and focused more on my kids, my husband, my surroundings and myself. Here are somethings I learned:

- I took moments of silence as just that... moments to let my brain rest
- I wasn't tied into wondering why so and so decided to go there and eat that and instead I was able to enjoy where I was at in that moment
- I stopped thinking about my every day moves as potential Facebook posts
- I took photos for me and no one else
- I enjoyed what I was doing in that moment and not thinking about how I could "share" what I was doing with others
- I didn't compare myself to others in the sometimes "fictitious" world of social media
- I didn't feel the need to pull out my phone and scan status updates while standing in line or at a stop light (I know I know the phone shouldn't be anywhere near me while driving)

The list could really go on and on. Bottom line... it was a good thing a VERY good thing. I felt so much better about myself. I actually didn't want to come back.

Well old habits die hard and after my two week hiatus I took off right where I left off. It was so easy to fall back into checking status feeds constantly.

Recently Dhrumil and I have been having a conversation about if our lives would be better without social media. And what kind of example do we want to give our kids? We agreed that life would probably be a little better... but we also agreed that this is a constantly changing world, one that I, in mama-lala-land, would like to keep up with.

And so going forward I am going to try to instill some ground rules about social media for myself. Bottom line... I want to be able to get to a place where social media and I can coexist in harmony. I want to make sure I take time to smell the roses and not always have to take a picture and share it with all. :)

The Dentist

Dentist... hearing that word usually revokes most to shudder in fear. I have yet to meet a person who gets excited by the prospect of teeth mutilation... I mean cleaning.

My lifetime of dentistry has been far from fun. I was always "that kid" who had those "deep grooves" in my teeth which were prone to "sticky situations" leading to cavities. I was also blessed with what I now understand to be "phase 1 AND 2" of orthodontic work. I started going when I was 8 and ended when I was 17. As an adult I have come to the conclusion that giving birth is more enjoyable than the scraping and poking of my poor and precious teeth.

So now you have my history.

When it came to bringing my own children to the dentist I was far from enthused. However, I needed to put on a happy face so they would think it was fun and exciting. Before Mikayla's first visit six months ago I spoke to her about the exciting passage into becoming a dentist going girl... "OOOO you get prizes! Yes you get to sit in your own chair! You get to pick the flavor of your tooth paste! A prize will be yours at the end! What color tooth brush will you pick!?" Happy dance... smiling... all the while cringing inside at the very thought of her laying silently and letting someone touch her teeth.

The appointment came and went and she did an amazing job. I had nothing to fear and when they asked me if Nolan would like a back to back appointment the next time Mikayla came in I didn't hesitate to accept. My rationale being it would be better to introduce him early on and since Mikayla is such a champ it would be a walk in the park. Excuse me... what!?

And then we come to today.

Normally preparation is the key to success for Mikayla. She is the type of kid who likes to know what is going to happen and why and how. Despite that fact, I didn't feel the need to prepare her with the dentist happy dance and words of adoration because:

1. With her memory she would remember everything including how "fun" it was 
2. I forgot
3. She did great last time
4. Life is chaos and I forgot

I also didn't feel the need to prepare Mikayla that her brother was going to also be getting his teeth cleaned because:

1. No big deal
2. It will work like clock work
3. Yup

We arrived in the office at 9am sharp and after being given 6 pages to fill out (Nolan needed his own set of records... WHY can't they just copy Mikayla's?) I was dragged by my four year old to Frozen playing in the waiting room. While trying to wrangle Nolan and placate Mikayla who realized it was just the dvd menu of Frozen playing, I willed myself to remember dates and phone numbers and the like.
Our name was called and with my excited words of "hooray it's our turn" Mikayla followed me into the back. As we headed into the exam room Mikayla stopped and refused to go in. Wrangling Nolan, diaper bag and clipboard with most pages still not filled out, I was not physically or mentally prepared for her refusal. Thankfully the sweet hygienist got her in with "let's pick out a toothbrush." As I sat in the seat next to the dentist chair waiting for Mikayla to choose her toothbrush "Mama there are too many choices!" I took a deep breath and was thankful for Beauty and the Beast playing in perfect view. Then she wouldn't sit on the chair. And nothing would get her there except for me. And so with both kids sitting on my lap (Nolan squirming) we tried to coax Mikayla to open her mouth for the "chocolate" tooth paste. Not happening... she wanted brother to go first. The hygienist left to go talk to the dentist and I frantically filled out the rest of the paperwork.

After his cleaning

We were moved to another room, I again had to sit on the chair with Nolan on my lap. Staring at my legs that I had forgotten to shave in... "how many days?" I prayed no one would notice and looked over to see a happy Mikayla watching us and chatting with the hygienist. This whole time I uttered things like  "ooo look at that light" and "your turn next to get a teeth tickle!"  Nolan screamed in my arms as the dentist brushed his teeth. After an eternity (more like 5 minutes) the dentist was done, I was sweaty and had the beginnings of a tension headache and Nolan was giggling and playing with his prize.

Back to the other room we went (why, I do not know) and again Mikayla refused to get in the chair. I got back on, both kids in lap, dentist at the ready with determined "don't mess with me kid" look on his face. And then within about 30 seconds the following... Mikayla wouldn't open her mouth, dentist tried to "help" her which I knew in an instant was not the way to go, she started to scream, Nolan started to scream, hygienist took Nolan to be helpful which made his scream louder, Mikayla screamed like no one's business, I grabbed Nolan back, firmly told the dentist we were leaving and would come back another time when I was without Nolan. Headache pounding, kids whimpering, dentist and hygienist staring, dentist offering "she just wants to control the situation" UM SHE IS 4... we left.

Of course as a mother having my brain and depression still in the picture, the following had been running through my mind during those 30 awful seconds. "I don't want her to be traumatized by this, she will never come back without screaming, I'm not having her teeth cleaned by force, my children are screaming so loud, why isn't my child listening, why isn't she perfect, what if I'm not parenting her correctly, this is my fault, what should I be doing differently, what will these people think of me".... and it goes on and on.

After making it to the van and shedding a few of my own "OMG THAT WAS AWFUL" tears, I decided we would head to the park. "Why are we going to the park mommy?" "Because, unlike that visit to the dentist, we are going to have fun!" Mikayla giggled and the high standards I held on myself and on her melted in the joy that filled her face.

So how do we go forward? I'm definitely instituting a one child - one parent ratio for all dentist visits going forward for at least a few years.

Our experience was another in-your-face reminder of this thing we call life. It's not perfect, we are not perfect, and we are doing the best we can. Letting go of judgement on myself, letting go of the judgement others may be giving and just moving through each step with the ease of an elephant on point shoes... bumbling, falling, but getting up again... is what I have to do.

Ironically I have a filling tonight. Thankfully it will be alone...

They keep me on my toes

Turning the day around