Acceptance

Do you accept who you are? Do you accept your circumstances this very moment? Do you accept that you are human, that you are imperfect? However imperfect you may be... do you accept that you were created by a perfect God who knows you so intimately that He knows what you are going to say even before you say it?

This past year has been a lesson in acceptance... a lesson which is ongoing. From the moment I learned I had postpartum depression my journey of acceptance began. 

ACCEPTANCE: The act of taking or receiving something offered. Favorable reception; approval; favor

In the context of depression... the definition of acceptance seems ironic. Was depression offered to me? No it was forced upon me, out of my control. Did I want to take it? Of course not... I wanted to run the other way. Favorable reception that my life was being turned inside out!? How can someone be ok with that? 

Accepting the need to swing!

I had to be... if I was going to get through it. Knowledge that you may not be able to change your circumstances right away but being "ok" with where you are... it brings peace. I had to accept that none of this was my fault, that I was dealing with an illness, that my life was what it was. In suffering God may not bring healing immediately, but He will work through circumstances that will give you the tools you need to get through the dark days. God placed so many people, places, things in my life... all that helped me deal, helped me ACCEPT.

As I approach the "anniversary" of what were the darkest months in my life, I find myself once again struggling to make sense of it all. The enormity of what I experienced hits me with gale force winds making it difficult to shield myself. The lies which once permeated my every thoughts momentarily find their way back as whispers of self doubt. 

It is time for me to accept... once again... where I am at. To accept that I'm still going to have days where I need to fight a little harder. Days where I need to process what I went through and seek closure. And to accept that this journey is continuous... it's life... and I'm not alone.

And I'm Feeling Good

While trying to find the words to write about this past month, a song Michael Buble sings popped into my head:

Birds flying high

You know how I feel

Sun in the sky

You know how I feel

Breeze drftin' on by

You know how I feel

It's a new dawn

It's a new day

It's a new life

For me

And I'm feeling good

I'm feeling good

Are things just as they should be in my life? Um no... Are there still things that need to be worked on? Um yes... BUT the thing to focus on is that I have been able to spend the last four weeks feeling almost completely free from the horrible grasp of depression, anxiety and panic!

That in itself makes me feel the sun shinning (even when it's gross out) and watch the birds flying (anyone else notice the incredible amount of geese flying around?) and realize that this might be IT, this might be my "new life" possibly free of... or at least nearing the end of my road with... postpartum depression.

I definitely don't want to jump the gun on my assessment of myself. But I do want to celebrate the huge steps I have shown of late including no panic attacks for six weeks and throwing a huge birthday party for Mikayla.

It is funny because I thought when I got to this point I'd feel exuberantly happy about all aspects of my life and everything would be hunky-dory. I guess that is because I expected life had to be perfect for my depression to leave. That in itself shows how much I have grown this past year... life isn't perfect and it is never going to be perfect! I am never going to be perfect! My days will be filled with frustration and joy, that is what it means to be human. God covers me with his incredible grace each and every time I screw up. When the world fails me I know that God never will. 

Tomorrow I am 32 years old. There was a time not to long ago when I didn't want to see my next birthday. God saved me from myself and my illness to live and celebrate who I am... and who I will continue to grow to be until my time in this world is over.

Tomorrow is brimming with new challenges and new joys... and I can't wait to face them!

"Today you are you!

That is truer than true!
There is no one alive...

...who is you-er than you!
Should loud, "I am lucky
to be what I am!
Thank goodness I'm not
just a clam or a ham
Or a dusty old jar of
sour gooseberry jam!
I am what I am! That's a
great thing to be!
If I say so myself,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!"
- Dr. Seuss

My Husband

I have been wanting to write a post about my husband for a while now... and yet the thoughts, emotions and words in my mind haven't been able to create a cohesive story. At least a story that could be shared and understood. What I feel about Dhrumil, especially after this past year, somehow passes words altogether.

Parts of one of our favorite song by Andrew Peterson will be my guide as I write this.

                                                               Dancing In The Minefields

Well "I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin
'Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found

And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storms
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for

No one tells you how difficult marriage is going to be. Taking two independent souls who have come from two completely different backgrounds and merging them into one? Sure no big deal! I wouldn't say Dhrumil and I went into marriage with our eyes closed, love did not blind us, but it did give us sunglasses. Leave it to marriage to throw you in front of a mirror to exam YOURSELF and see who you REALLY are! Cracks and all... selfishness and all... sin and all... the good and the bad. Marriage changed us... changed us for the better. Prepared us for the role of being completely selfless.

I believe God played a critical role in strengthening our marriage before I was struck with depression. We went through a difficult year after our first child was born... the very foundation we thought formed are marriage was crumbling. We both decided to fight for US and to work as hard as we needed to to save our marriage. With a support system around us and excellent therapists we came out on the other side united as ONE and stronger than we ever thought was possible.

So when I lose my way, find meWhen I lose loves chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days
when I forget my name, remind me

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear
'Cause He promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of this chaos baby,
I can dance with you

During the darkest months of my depression I lost who I was. I had forgotten anything and everything good about me. Dhrumil was right by my side, holding my hand, reminding me who I was. He constantly spoke words of truth, trying so very hard to deter the darkness that was covering me. I can not imagine watching someone you love go through such an illness, an illness that is so out of your own control. But Dhrumil handled it with selflessness, grace and love.

He saw my beauty when I couldn't

It didn't matter how many times I questioned the good in life... Dhrumil was there to remind of the miracles that happen every day. No matter how many times I put myself down in front of him...he was there to encourage me and remind me how amazing I was. When I needed to leave the house... he was there to be with the kids and be the amazing father he is. When I was unable to function... he took care of me, the house, the kids, our life! When I turned my back on God... he let me feel what I needed to feel and ever so gently reminded me of God's love.

God has given me the most amazing gift... and that gift is my husband. The love he showed me and still shows me each and every day encourages me to grow and seek God out more and more. We are a team... however imperfect... covered in grace and unified to grow in God, to lead our children and to love each other more and more every day.

So lets go dancing in the minefields
Lets go sailing in the storms
Oh, lets go dancing in the minefields
And kicking down the doors
Oh, lets go dancing in the minefields
And sailing in the storms
Oh, this is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for 

Peace

Each snow flake is different

Why is it so hard for us to be ok with who we are? I'm sure even the most confident people have moments where they question themselves. What makes us yearn to be so much like another and not feel at peace with who we were created to be? What a boring place this world would be if we were all the same... would the beauty of snow be altered if each snowflake was exactly the same?

Somedays it is hard to look at myself in the mirror and not pick out an immediate flaw... external or internal. But why? It is like there is a wall between the part of me who knows how amazing I am and the part of me that wants to bash all thoughts on the subject.

Today I was at peace with myself. I had the energy to focus on the present and it was a wonderful day. Were the kids perfect? NO! Was I perfect? NO! But I'm ok with that.

My analogy of today has to do with what I've been staring at for weeks... snow. It's as if I were caught in a snow storm with the beauty and silence of snow swirling around me. Each footprint I left made a beautiful imprint in the snow, but within minutes it was gone, and so I just continued ahead... making new footprints. I wasn't worried about the prints behind me because they had already vanished and I didn't care about those ahead of me because I wasn't there yet. I just focused on that one imprint frozen in that one moment.

I witnessed true joy in a moment today... a very ordinary moment mind you! Not the so called pin-able moment of taking my perfect cookies out of the oven while dancing to music whilst my daughter laughed in front of the fireplace making a perfect craft and the baby built and perfect tower of blocks.  BUT the joy that can only come out of the chaos of "swirling snow" if you may.

As I sat in front of my mirror this afternoon... hair dripping wet... sweats on...baby in lap sucking his thumb contentedly... Mikayla joyfully attempting to use a dryer and multiple brushes on my hair at once... time stood still. I stared at myself... at my children... there was not a flaw to be seen and I felt ... peace.

I could ask the darkness to hide me

and light around me to become night-

but even in the darkness I cannot hide from you.

To you the darkness shines bright as day.

Darkness and light are the same to you.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother's womb.

Psalm 139: 11-13

Should

I tend to forget what I have been fighting against is an illness... an illness which plays on the vulnerabilities in my mind and sets my perfectionistic tendencies on fire. An illness that has turned my self confidence upside-down, stolen my coping mechanisms and thrown me into a pit of overwhelming feelings.

And I thought it was just...me...

I have come far in my recovery and yet I seem to continuously grapple with the idea that I have not come far enough. In the therapy world, which I am now so familiar with, the professionals would say that I am "should-ing" myself. For example:

- I SHOULD be over this by now

- I SHOULD be able to not feel so anxious anymore

- I SHOULD be able to "handle" being a mother of two

- I SHOULD be so fully equipped with my mental "tools" that panic attacks would no longer happen

A day in the life with my little monkeys

- I SHOULD be able to not use SHOULD ANYMORE!

And thus I have led myself down into ElisaBeth's no-mans land of hopeless despair.

Today my frustration with my progress led to googling "how long does postpartum depression last" and the results were inconclusive. I guess if my psychiatrist can look me in the eyes and tell me so much is unknown about mental illnesses, google is not going to do much better.

Acceptance is key... I believe acceptance leads to peace. 

TODAY I accept.... where I am, that I am human, that I am doing a good job as a mother and wife, that I am not in control, that I am loved.

And so... on with life. 

Faith Enough

In this moment... in this today... in this now... my feelings toward God are bleak at best. My faith has been the thing I have clung to my entire life, it has been the thing that has defined me, my relationship with God has made me who I was, am and will be.

But in this moment... in this today... in this now... I feel forsaken. Alone in a vast sea of desert blinded by the pounding sun of my depression, unable to feel anything but the intensity of its heat.

At this point in my depression I have become one big cliche.

And where does God fit into this? Into me? I don't know... and right now I don't care. I am angry.

And yet in this desert, as I drove in the car trying to escape, this song by Jars of Clay played and brought momentary relief from the heat.

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talkin'
The world is crumblin' but I know why
The world is crumblin' but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight

The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind

Should the world rely on faith tonight


Maybe I still have an ounce of faith left to allow myself to be weak in God's presence. Maybe I will allow myself to be scooped up in His arms once again and maybe I can stop trying to control my outcome and just be His child once again... just maybe.

A Year

Today is Nolan's first birthday. First birthdays seem more of a milestone for the parents as opposed to the baby. We are the ones who have kept our babes alive and safe the most vulnerable year of their life, learned to deal with fitting a "stranger" into our family, and have slept half of what we are used to. This is a true celebration for the entire family!

Read Nolan's Birth Story

It has been hard for me to feel fully celebratory today. My jumbled emotions are difficult to sort out and being so in tuned to my feelings can be exhausting.  Last night I sat on the couch with a pint of ice cream (only recommended for certain times in one's life) and tried to ignore all that was going on in my head by staring at the TV.

But it's time to face the facts... this is the one year anniversary of the hardest year I have ever faced. I hate that the birth of my incredible, precious and innocent son has to be tied to the illness that sent my body into the uncontrollable spiral of postpartum depression. It is no one's fault... it couldn't have been avoided... it is an illness... BUT I hate that it has to be this way.

When I look back through pictures of Nolan's first days, first months, first year... it is hard to not focus on the pain I had been feeling during those days. Part of me feels I have missed out on many moments of my baby's first year. I was so swallowed up in despair I couldn't truly enjoy my sweet blessing. I was so overcome with my illness that I no longer wanted to be here for him, for my daughter, for my husband. The reality of those thoughts still haunt me.

And now my Nolan is growing up... he will not stay a baby. Every day moves forward and though I desperately want to keep kissing those baby cheeks I know that they will lose their baby puffiness.

I can sit here and feel overwhelmed about all I have endured or I can look at the real truth of my situation. I DID have moments of joy even in the midst of great suffering. Dhrumil reminds me of this often... he reminds me how he saw me with the kids and watched genuine smiles, selfless love and unending kisses flow from me. I just re-watched the video I created about seeing myself as beautiful ... praise God that not all was lost in this year!

It is time to take a step back. I give Nolan to God. I thank Him for the precious, joyful, happy, loving, adventurous, mama's boy that he is! Is he not proof enough that I have flourished in darkness to rear my son this past year!? I pray I can look ahead to all God has in store for my son. I pray that I can be still, be now and enjoy who he is today. I pray that I have the continued strength to put one foot in front of the other and model God's amazing grace and love to my children.