Should

I tend to forget what I have been fighting against is an illness... an illness which plays on the vulnerabilities in my mind and sets my perfectionistic tendencies on fire. An illness that has turned my self confidence upside-down, stolen my coping mechanisms and thrown me into a pit of overwhelming feelings.

And I thought it was just...me...

I have come far in my recovery and yet I seem to continuously grapple with the idea that I have not come far enough. In the therapy world, which I am now so familiar with, the professionals would say that I am "should-ing" myself. For example:

- I SHOULD be over this by now

- I SHOULD be able to not feel so anxious anymore

- I SHOULD be able to "handle" being a mother of two

- I SHOULD be so fully equipped with my mental "tools" that panic attacks would no longer happen

A day in the life with my little monkeys

- I SHOULD be able to not use SHOULD ANYMORE!

And thus I have led myself down into ElisaBeth's no-mans land of hopeless despair.

Today my frustration with my progress led to googling "how long does postpartum depression last" and the results were inconclusive. I guess if my psychiatrist can look me in the eyes and tell me so much is unknown about mental illnesses, google is not going to do much better.

Acceptance is key... I believe acceptance leads to peace. 

TODAY I accept.... where I am, that I am human, that I am doing a good job as a mother and wife, that I am not in control, that I am loved.

And so... on with life.