Summer

It's the summer. That means 3 kids, all day, all the time. A new thing for us. I'd love to write more,

but it's a miracle I have a moment to stop at all today amidst packing for our first vacation as a family of 5.

I'll just say this... these past few weeks have made me feel like I have never worked harder in my life. But in reality I have... I worked to save my life through my depression and that work started almost 4 years ago to the day. I'm not reminding myself of this to diminish the feelings I'm having now, but to bring empowerment that I am stronger then I have ever been.  Praises to God for all He has given me and gotten me through!

Going going all day long.

No time to sing my own song.

Little hands and little feet.

Guiding, teaching, keeping sweet.

Moments of pure joy and fear.

Moments of how did I get here.

Will I raise them up to love?

Will I raise them to know the one above?

Overwhelmed and always tired.

Fact is I'll never be fired.

Hearts so pure, so open, so true.

Little lips saying "I love you."

It is a season, a blip in time.

Slowly speeding... but it is mine.

Becoming a Mother-Person

It's crazy to think a woman can grow a person for 9+ months, that this person will make his/her way out of you in 12+ hours and then BOOM you are considered a mother. All of the sudden you have been inducted into the most prestigious club there is on earth with one ear splitting cry of a tiny needy person... when just the day before you were fully wrapped up in yourself and who you had been becoming for the past 25+ years. 

Sure books were read, newborn prep classes taken and advice was given, but there really is no amount of preparation that can truly equip you for the life altering change you go through as a person. Learning to take care of a tiny person is one thing... learning to understand the new you is a whole other. Can this change happen so rapidly? So quickly? So overnight? I believe we are meant to believe it does, however I have learned for me that it has taken time.

Becoming a mother-person is a process... a process that is constantly evolving. The wisdom that I have ascertained over these past six years have been invaluable. Looking forward to the upcoming birth of my third child has filled me with a certain excitement that I finally understand what being a mother means to me. I am not talking about being an expert in newborn care 101, preschool tantrums or navigating the total crazy random things your 6 year old does... heck no... I will constantly be surprised by these things, unknowing how to handle them and also floundering on a daily basis. Rather, I am talking about who I am!

I unknowingly fought the idea of being a mother-person for many years.  My internal argument... I was still me wasn’t I?  I wasn’t a 100% selfless being who went with every whim of her children and moved heaven and earth just for them. I had to reserve some identity for myself... I had to be ME!! But I didn’t know who me was and instead of one identity, I had taken on many AND I had made them unattainable. I strove to be a fully unique, dedicated, driven, dare I say perfect and separate person as an employee, wife, friend, musician, thinker, follower of God, woman, daughter, sister, mother.

The thing was I had the idea of who a mother was supposed to be all wrong. I felt I was lowering myself to think of my role as a mother to be my calling at present. I rejected that God had called me to this very precise position in order to shape and mold me into a new identity. One He had predestined for me, one He knew would make me a whole rounded person. Being a mother doesn’t mean being selfless and living for your children 100% of the time. To me, it is an intricate weaving of past, present and future self into someone who is fully unique, imperfect, learning and growing. I had been battling that true identity for 4 years and it was getting exhausting. Exhausting to not be able to fully measure up to who I thought I was supposed to be and exhausting to not be able to accept my true identity.

Embrace

Something finally clicked about a year ago. Maybe it was my depression and the process of having to put myself back together again from the nothingness I had become. Maybe it was the amount of time I spent being a mother. Maybe it was the hundreds of hours of therapy I had done learning to be more self aware, learning to love my imperfect self. Maybe it was because I was finally letting myself let God lead. Maybe it was all of the above... but I have now fully embraced being a mom, being content and also being me... they are all the same thing!  It’s hard to describe but as I birth this baby I will not be re-birthing myself this time. I am no longer a reflection of who I want to be... I am now who God means for me to be right now and that is empowering, encouraging and exciting! I am whole. 

An Ode to the End

How my daughter views my massive baby bump

You'd think I'd be all sentimental at this point in my pregnancy... especially since the plan is for this to be the last baby. The last experience of the miracle of life growing inside of me. I had thought these last 6 (maybe less!?!?!) weeks would be of me cherishing my growing belly, my glowing self and the silence before the screaming.

But alas... I have never been pregnant in the DEAD of summer, I have never been pregnant with a THIRD baby and goodness I had completely forgotten how UNCOMFORTABLE this whole thing is... especially this time around. And so to remember this time in a realness you can only expect from me...

My legs fall asleep while I sit down to pee

My belly is itchy as itchy can be

When I sleep the baby thinks it's time to play

And if I don't take a nap I'll be a grump all day

Chasing after kids when you're as large as a house

Makes you look like a mad elephant instead of a mouse

My belly has become a dangerous thing

Because of the children who fall with one swing

Chores such as laundry and cooking and cleaning

Are done at the speed of a snail who is weaving

But at least I can laugh and so can the kids

And so can the stranger who's all up in my biz

So body you're amazing as you grow this little person

But hey I think baby building has become quite an aversion

A Small Voice

"Mama why don't you run?"

It was dinner time and the four of us were sitting around the table. The excitement from a busy family day was slowly waning and exhaustion and early bedtimes were creeping into view. Glancing at Mikayla, wisps of dark hair framing her face, large soulful eyes staring straight into mine, I could see see she was waiting for an answer.

I gasped... how could my four year old hone in onto something like this? How could such a simple question send my mind reeling? It is true I hadn't run very much in the past month... I have a long list of excuses and reasons why, but in this moment none of them seemed good enough.

I struggled to answer... and regrettably the first words out of my mouth were "Did someone tell you to ask that? Why are you even asking me that?"

I saw confusion come over Mikayla's face and I realized I had spoken harshly. The anger, guilt and frustration I had been feeling at myself for not running had come out in my answer. Quickly I tried to regain my footing and followed up with something along the lines of "Oh you are wondering because I was running so much before...um... sometimes mommy just gets busy, but I do want to run again."

This answer seemed to suffice and she went back to eating while happily chatting with Dhrumil about the day and giggling at some crazy antics Nolan was doing with his grilled cheese.

Thankful Mikayla was able to move on so easily from our exchange I sat overcome with all the thoughts and feelings that were pouring over me like a pounding waterfall. I kept hearing her little voice and seeing her eyes that seemed to pierce into my very depths. Why was this one question hitting me so hard? Why was I shaken to my very core? This was about so much more than running.

I felt I had let her down.

Ever Learning

I have never been face to face with the feelings of letting my child down. Of appearing vulnerable and seen as giving up on something... appearing weak... appearing human. For as much as I preach to myself and others how important it is for our children to see our imperfections, it was like a slap in the face knowing my daughter had just seen mine.

And really... who set up this "have to do" list anyways? ME! It should be a "have to do the best you can but you won't get it all done and that's ok" list!

And so I am going to try again. I am going to just be me. One who is imperfect in every way, one who has been saved by God's amazing grace and love. I pray that I can teach my children that it is ok to make mistakes...to be human. Life is an incredible balance of trying and trusting. We can do anything with Him and yet we will continue to mess up  and not do it all because... hey... that's life and that's OK.

"There are things that will remain unfinished in life, 

not because we do them poorly, but because that's how life simply is."

I went for a run this morning... I ran for me... with no strings attached... and it felt great. And if I don't run tomorrow... it's ok...

The Zoo Experience... Most photos can be deceiving

This zoo story needed to be prefaced by some important facts:

• As I write this I am eating a mug of ice cream
• The kids and I decided to join Dhrumil on his business trip to Toledo in hopes of enjoying the
  indoor pool, visiting friends in Dayton and basically not having to endure a whole week at home alone.
• A week ago Nolan caught the Hand, Foot and Mouth virus...
• 3 days after that Mikayla caught a milder version 
• 3 days after that Dhrumil caught the adult version (yes by that time we were in Toledo)
• Nolan has been waking up at 5:30am in the hotel, this morning it was 4:30 and he fell back asleep in our bed, head jammed against my side, for only about a half hour 
• Nolan is going through a "yell talk" and "attempting to run everywhere or only be held by Mama while sucking his thumb" stage 
• Mikayla is going through a... Yeah don't know how to explain her stage ;)

Ok so basically...  One heck of a loooooong week and a half, tired kids, tired mama, need to leave the hotel, it's Toledo, there's a zoo... type of thing going on.

And so... Did I think it would be all roses? No. Ok fine maybe a small part of me hoped for a miracle. I have never attempted something of this magnitude with both if them  in tow before, but I decided to just give it a go and if it got rough we would just leave.

We pulled into the zoo and after taking 5-10 minutes arranging the double stroller, strategically placing water and snacks within reach and taking a deep breath telling myself I could DO THIS I went to grab Nolan who had just fallen asleep. He was not happy I disturbed his slumber and let out a very loud wail as I tried to lovingly pin him down and strap him into the stroller. Mikayla got in easily and the three of us (one screaming with every part of him) walked to the entrance invoking  every pity stare and sighs of "thank God that's not my child" from all the people we passed. 

He eventually stopped and for about an hour we had a really good time. I had us go on the train ride around Africa and though the picture above may show what the majority of our time looked like, we did have a joyful experience on that train.

And here is the last hour in a nutshell:

• Pushing my double stroller all over a zoo takes physical muscles
• Pushing my stroller all over the zoo with a whining 4 year old and holding a crying 1 year old takes more physical muscle and even more mental muscle (especially when it includes and very steep hill to get to the overpass)
• The kids would rather play on the zoo playground than watch the monkeys play on their playground
• When I said "Mikayla look the wolves are so close" she said "can we see something else"
• When I said "Nolan look the wolves are so close" he said "ball ball" (there was a ball in their area)
• Throwing pennies in the fountain was the high point of the visit
• When watching a mother struggle with her double stroller and heavy doors, trying to make it into the bird experience house with the grace of a peacock, DONT JUST STARE!
• Mikayla on being hungry "I'm so hungry my tongue is going to turn red if I don't eat soon"
• $8.50 is not a well spent dollar on a PB&J that was refused by a 1 year old

How long did we stay? Two hours... I was hot, sweaty, carrying Nolan, pushing a very tired Mikayla and just wanted to ask them to stick me in the Ape house where I'd yell "I give up!"

BUT it was worth it because..

I am thankful for seeing Mikayla's face light up in the bird house as the birds flew above her. I am thankful for watching Nolan popping his little face in and out of the play beaver house, giggles filling up the hollow cave. I am thankful for the quiet train ride, holding my babies close, feeling the wind in my hair and watch in the magnificent giraffes. I am thankful to know that I did it! A year ago, knee deep on my recovery,  I couldn't even go a week alone with the kids. 

This was a victory for me... All that other stuff? Just good stories to tell to the kids when they are older. 

The Grand Conclusion

So it only took me... say... four and a half years to come upon what I shall now call The Grand Conclusion (cue the trumpets). Staring me in the face this whole time was the simple answer to my most innate and inner question yearning to be solved multiple times a day.

(cue more trumpets)

My house... my dwelling place... my peaceful abode... well it's going to be messy almost always. And I am just going to have to be ok with that.

SIGH

There you have it.

6am this morning... all sleeping peacefully in their beds, all things silently sitting in their places, toys picked up, kitchen clean, toilets flushed, laundry folded, no strange smells coming from anywhere.

6:15am and the little Tasmanian devil yells to all that he has awakened. An hour later (and already one clean up later done by my wonderful husband before he went to work) and things have started to appear in disarray.

9:00am having escaped the downstairs toy pile-up and half cleaned breakfast dishes I was attempting to

get dressed when I heard a huge crash in Nolan's room. The sound of multiple toys colliding together sent chills down my spine. The laughter that immediately followed allowed me to continue dressing and postpone the inevitable survey of damage.

9:15am I came out of the bathroom to see ALL of the pillows we owned surrounding Nolan in the
middle of my bedroom. He was gleefully allowing his sister to pile them around him and the more she added the more he cheered.

It was in that moment where I stopped the words that were about to leave my lips... the words that would have put a damper to their fun and would have been something along the lines of "what are you do... you have to clean... what the... why do I even...what's the point in... ahhhh." Instead I took a deep breath and The Grand Conclusion hit me in the face.

The kids were having fun... the cleaning would eventually happen... my world was ok with, or HAD to be ok with, mess. I decided to let their fun outweigh my sense of urgency to put every pillow back in its place. There are more important things in life and in these moments of little kid chaos than to constantly keep a straightened up home.

And so here I sit... staring at a mess... too tired to get up and clean it. And even if I did nap time will come to an end and the mess would be back again in two seconds flat. So I guess it's time to embrace the new me... the me who can go to sleep with the family room littered with toys, dishes in the sink and a less then perfect smell in the house. This season is sure to end and I don't want to look back on it remembering all the cleaning I did, but instead remembering the giggles and joy that can only come from two adorable chubby cheeked little kids.

Perfection

Perfection isn't possible!

Go ahead and try, but it is not going to work.

I believe perfection means different things to different people. To me it means: (on any given day and in so many words)

Having happy kids who are happy because they ate amazing organic healthy meals I cooked all day long after I cleaned the house, organized the already organized closets, exercised and felt full of energy. My cleaning of the house and exercising didn't get in the way of my quality time with the happy kids who were not only played with but taught many useful life skills through crafts and reading. Throughout the day I felt confident in my mothering and knew without an ounce of doubt that being home with my children was the correct and most fulfilling thing I could be doing with my life. After work my happy husband would come home to a dinner on the table with happy kids laughing and telling daddy what an amazingly fulfilling day it was. After having a happy bedtime with the kids bathed, read to, prayed with and taught more life skills through memorized Bible verses, Dhrumil and I would have happy talk listening fully to one another and understanding each other and go to bed feeling awed by our lives. Oh not to mention I would have had time to make a gesture that showed how fully invested I am in my friends and family.

Setting the bar a bit to high do you think?

The reality of my life does not look like and will NEVER look like what I sometimes find myself  trying to strive for... but isn't that the point? We can never have the "perfect" life and the culture we live in doesn't help.

How often have you felt bad about yourself or your day after reading Facebook statuses, seeing pins  on Pinterest, reading articles about how so and so lost all her baby weight plus 100 more and now has the best abs of her life only after THREE MONTHS after having a baby, read a blog post about how to parent the RIGHT way or see Instagram photos of smiling children behaving in a fine-dinning restaurant?

It is all too much to take in!!!  The distorted view one may already have of needing to strive for their own individual perfection is further distorted but the glaring headlines of what we SHOULD be like.

An imperfect day!

And so that is why it is important to understand that life is messy and imperfect and that is what it is meant to be. Social media can be great, but know that it is not full reality, just glimpses at some happy moments people may be having. Let us be joyful for them and not compare ourselves because we are all in different places at different times.

We will never be perfect until heaven and even then God's perfection is something beautiful and glorious and maybe not at all what we may have in mind.

So for now I will keep moving through my day rejoicing if my kids actually eat the one semi-organic meal I put before them, loving the fact that my imaginative daughter turns turkey craft projects into snow men and enjoying the warmth of my husband's chest I lay on as we watch TV at night unable to speak on word to each other out of exhaustion.

One Moment

We were actually ahead of schedule this morning and I couldn't believe it!

My mind never stops nowadays... I guess that is what it is with being a mother. Oh I do miss those moments... many moons ago... where I would stare at my computer during a slow day at work for a good half hour and my brain would just go...

bllllllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A picture from my "blah" days

I'd then catch myself not believing the amount of time that went by in blahville and start to think again.

But today my brain goes more like...

What time did Nolan eat did he do a big burp wait did Mikayla have breakfast why didn't Nolan poop yet oh my I have ten minutes to get myself ready wait first let me throw a load in the wash oh dear the dog has to go out didn't Mikayla just wear this shirt where is Nolan's pacifier oh no we have nothing in the house to make for dinner I guess I will have to go to the store but then I will have to take everyone out and I guess I won't use the cart maybe just try the stroller but it has to be at 11:30 because then I will have exactly 30 minutes to make it back home to feed Nolan before he starts to scream and to make sure I get Mikayla down for her nap before we lose that window oh no now I only have 3 minutes to get myself dressed before heading out the door....

You get the idea.

Back to this morning. While my mind was going a thousand miles a minutes, I was excited and happy to be ahead of schedule. I used to be the one who was always early and so I felt almost giddy with delight. I picked Nolan up to put him in his car seat and BOOM... spit up explosion all over my shirt. So goodbye shirt... must find new outfit... now we were roaming into "on time" instead of ahead.

I put Nolan into his car seat, bundled Mikayla up... BOOM... another spit up explosion. Off went my brain... now if I change him it will take me five minutes before I get him back in his seat and when I put him back in he will probably spit up again and then I will have to change him again but if I leave him he isn't that wet I guess I could do that... I started to get a headache going through all of the scenarios while I ran upstairs to grab a burp cloth... running back downstairs my brain was now proceeding to think up ridiculous scenarios such as... ok but if I do leave him a little wet maybe he will get cold and then he could get sick and then he would stop sleeping and then I wouldn't sleep and I couldn't function and then... BOOM my brain stopped.

There was my precious Mikayla rocking Nolan's car seat gently back and forth, a huge smile on her face, singing the song I sing to her every night. Nolan was looking up at her cooing and smiling. This moment made time stop and made the rantings of my crazy brain seem extremely trivial.

I gave them both a kiss and we headed into the van... semi wet shirt and all.

Bye Bye Blues!

Is there a megaphone somewhere? I am feeling the need right now to shout from the rooftops to all who will hear that I HAVE MADE IT! I have finally gotten through the dark tunnel of after-the-birth-baby-blues-and-getting-used-to-the-fact-that-I-have-another-child phase. In the moment it felt it like would never end and I thank God, two months later, that it has.

I believe this time around was harder for me with the baby blues. Maybe because I felt isolated and alone in this still very new to me place. The whole feeling of knowing that you have this amazing and beautiful family, but having a hard time rejoicing in it is the worst. Each day was a struggle for me to find happiness amidst the dirty diapers and toddler tantrums and to not dread the next day where I had to experience whole thing over again. I couldn't let my mind move past the very second I was living in or the overwhelming reality of my responsibilities would come crashing down. I wanted to yell at myself to embrace this change in our family, but instead I tried to show myself compassion and take each step at a time. Dhrumil was an amazing help, my ever constant rock, holding my hand and helping me in anyway possible. My parents were also extremely helpful, coming one weekend just so they could give me a break and also an afternoon for me and Dhrumil to go out together. When they visited last time my mom gave me a little box with the quote above on it. It helped me find the small moments during those hard days to help me get to the next day.

AND SO... I'm still here... I'm still me... and it is night and day how I am feeling! I am proof that you can make it... whatever dark season you may be in (baby hormone induced or not)! I have had a few such seasons so far in my life, but each time I have come out on the other side and am rejoicing that I have!

Here are a few signs that I have made it...

- I am now used to the fact that it takes a hour to get out the door and I do not get discouraged because of it.
- I am cooking again
- I am flossing my teeth and plucking my eyebrows again ;-)
- I wear makeup when I go out (most of the time)
- If both kids are sobbing in the van... I take a deep breath and keep on driving
- I GO PLACES!

There are more, but those are the big ones. It also helps that both kids are now going to bed at pretty much the same time at night!! Nolan was colic for about a month, but not anymore. Dhrumil and I have gotten our evenings back and it is divine.

I am sure tomorrow will have its own challenges filled with poop explosions, lessons in staying quiet while Mikayla chooses her own outfit, small pangs of missing work where normal sized people appreciated my talents, spit up covered clothes and discussion upon discussion upon discussion of why we only have two snacks... BUT it's ok... because it will also be filled with toothless grins, uncontrollable giggles, cooing and looks of love only children can give you. And you know what? I am excited for ALL of it!

Easter Came Early

** DISCLAIMER - I do not condone eating your feelings but sometimes chocolate is just needed **

BACKSTORY:
Saying this week has been challenging is an understatement. I would say this has been one of the most difficult weeks as a parent thus far.

I made the decision not to go places with Nolan and Mikayla after Nolan's birth because of the flu and other sicknesses out there. I wanted to wait until Nolan had his 2 months shots, but by 6 weeks I was going buggy. So we ventured out and Mikayla spent a total of 4 hours in classes while I went to Bible study one day and then to MOPS the other. By Monday of this week Mikayla was miserable with fever, stuffy nose, tearing eyes and a cough.

This is the first time Mikayla has been sick while Nolan has been in our lives and I am not sure if that is the reason this time has been so hard, but wow... I want to live in a cave until Spring!

Mikayla has been so not herself and any and EVERYTHING has set her into sobs... for example during breakfast...

M: I smell something SOB
E: Ok
M: It's your breakfast SOB
E: (eating egg)
M: STOP EATING SOB

or...

E: Mikayla please come sit down for lunch
M: SOOOOOOOOOBBBBBB

and then there is...

E: How about we color?
M: SOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBB

You get the idea. I feel so bad for my little girl, but after a while the sobbing is like nails on a chalkboard. Then add Nolan and his many infant baby needs and it is the perfect storm for mommy madness!

That brings me to today...

I decided we needed to go to the Dr. just to make sure all was ok. Mikayla still not being herself and already having sobbed most of the morning and Nolan sounding a bit stuffy to me. I gave us an hour to get ready and get out of the door on time. We definitely needed that whole hour and the last ten minutes   both kids were screaming.

As I was backing out of the driveway... both kids still crying... I happened to very randomly open up one of the compartments under the radio to set the GPS in and that is when my eyes happened upon the small package of Cadbury mini eggs.

TIME STOOD STILL...

I had strategically placed these eggs (after obtaining them at CVS during a "me time" trip a week ago) into a compartment I never open so one day I would come upon them and have a nice surprise.

Let me tell you... I quietly pulled out those delicious chocolate eggs and after popping one into my mouth everything else faded away. Nolan quieted down... Mikayla quietly stopped her sobbing, I was able to take a deep breath and we had a stress free drive to the Dr. No JOKE! I think these little nuggets of goodness have magic in them.

So I guess the moral to my story... when overwhelmed with motherhood... eat chocolate.

Trip to the Park... or not

Ah yes... a trip to the park. Easy enough, right? This is how our trip to the park went this morning.

The sun was shining after being dull and grey out for days... or at least I haven't noticed the sun until today. Anyways I was feeling buggy this morning and thought it would be easier to walk to the park instead of drive somewhere and so I told Mikayla to get ready for an exciting first time Mommy, Mimi and Nolan walk to the park!!

Here is how it went down...

1. The sun made me think it was warm out. How exciting!
2. After feeding baby, burping baby, changing baby, putting baby down to gather our coats, gloves, hats and baby carrier about 40 minutes had past.
3. No matter I was going to get us out of this house and Mikayla was excited so I couldn't bow out now. And then baby started to scream.
4. While baby screamed I stared at my Ergo trying to remember how it worked.
5. Baby still screaming I tried to look up a video on YouTube to see how to work the contraption.
5. Baby still screaming, I bundled Mikayla up and then she wanted to have a baby carrier too and so I put that on her with her dog Snow.
6. Sweating with my coat on, I put screaming baby into his warm coat thing and then into the carrier and then tried to buckle the thing... am I doing something wrong? Very hard to put the thing on!
7. Baby stopped screaming and I decided to climb up the stairs to look in the mirror to make sure the carrier was on ok, after walk back down Mikayla decided she had to look at herself in the mirror with dog Snow.
8. Still sweating profusely I had to go back upstairs for Mikayla.
9. FINALLY outside... the sun was gone at this point and it was freezing.
10. We made it halfway down the street, Mikayla was cold, I was cold, the dog was basically running, Mikayla told me "it is a long day and I want to go home" so we turned around and that was that.

An hour of prep... a five minute walk... at least we got outside. Now I remember why having a baby in spring is so much better!