A Year

Today is Nolan's first birthday. First birthdays seem more of a milestone for the parents as opposed to the baby. We are the ones who have kept our babes alive and safe the most vulnerable year of their life, learned to deal with fitting a "stranger" into our family, and have slept half of what we are used to. This is a true celebration for the entire family!

Read Nolan's Birth Story

It has been hard for me to feel fully celebratory today. My jumbled emotions are difficult to sort out and being so in tuned to my feelings can be exhausting.  Last night I sat on the couch with a pint of ice cream (only recommended for certain times in one's life) and tried to ignore all that was going on in my head by staring at the TV.

But it's time to face the facts... this is the one year anniversary of the hardest year I have ever faced. I hate that the birth of my incredible, precious and innocent son has to be tied to the illness that sent my body into the uncontrollable spiral of postpartum depression. It is no one's fault... it couldn't have been avoided... it is an illness... BUT I hate that it has to be this way.

When I look back through pictures of Nolan's first days, first months, first year... it is hard to not focus on the pain I had been feeling during those days. Part of me feels I have missed out on many moments of my baby's first year. I was so swallowed up in despair I couldn't truly enjoy my sweet blessing. I was so overcome with my illness that I no longer wanted to be here for him, for my daughter, for my husband. The reality of those thoughts still haunt me.

And now my Nolan is growing up... he will not stay a baby. Every day moves forward and though I desperately want to keep kissing those baby cheeks I know that they will lose their baby puffiness.

I can sit here and feel overwhelmed about all I have endured or I can look at the real truth of my situation. I DID have moments of joy even in the midst of great suffering. Dhrumil reminds me of this often... he reminds me how he saw me with the kids and watched genuine smiles, selfless love and unending kisses flow from me. I just re-watched the video I created about seeing myself as beautiful ... praise God that not all was lost in this year!

It is time to take a step back. I give Nolan to God. I thank Him for the precious, joyful, happy, loving, adventurous, mama's boy that he is! Is he not proof enough that I have flourished in darkness to rear my son this past year!? I pray I can look ahead to all God has in store for my son. I pray that I can be still, be now and enjoy who he is today. I pray that I have the continued strength to put one foot in front of the other and model God's amazing grace and love to my children.