My Prayer

I hear sounds of the ticking clock in the kitchen, Curious George in the front room and the creak of the fireplace as it spits out warmth onto my cold feet. The smell of a pumpkin spice plugin infiltrates my nostrils as the heat from my computer radiates over my lap. I stare at this blog post waiting for my thoughts to form a coherent thought for me to type out. This is now... I am here... I am present.

Since my hospital stay three months ago I have practiced staying present-minded so frequently that it is now second nature. If anything, mindfulness has been an amazing gift I was blessed with through my whole ordeal.

Being now takes focus. I still falter every day but as I continue to practice I have found peace in not worrying about what is next. My anxious thoughts are taken away, my overwhelming state is calmed, I just have to deal with what is right now. God has given me the strength to give the next moments to Him and treasure the gift of life that He has given to me every day.  

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; our about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" 
Matt 6: 25 - 27

My amazing friend captured moments for us

As I see myself coming out on the other side of postpartum depression, I am amazed to find a different

person. A person who has grown and is continuing to grow. A person who has been changed by the darkest hours of life and has emerged victorious, blessed and grateful for life. I know setbacks will come, I know life will do it's thing,  sin will do it's thing, but in the end God is victorious.

Listen... as you are full aware, life isn't perfect. I still struggle on a daily basis to be fully confident in the person God is creating me to be. I continue to have days of endless questioning the ways in which God works. It can still be hard to fully trust. Though I am healing from this illness, I still have mountains to climb. However, I feel as though I am now prepared with the proper climbing equipment as opposed to taking the mountain with just the clothes on my back. 

The other day I heard Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer on the radio. During my darkest days, and when I wasn't busy being angry at God, I clung to the words in this song. I am now praying on a daily basis that I remember all I have been learning on my journey. The highlighted parts below are what I am feeling right now... 

Jesus draw me ever nearer.

As I labor through the storm.

You have called me to this passage,

and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey be a blessing,

May I rise on wings of faith;

And at the end of my heart's testing;

With your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;

Keep my spirit staid and sure.

When the midnight meets the morning,

Let me love you even more.

Let the treasures of the trial

Form within me as I go -

And at the end of this long passage,

Let me leave them at your throne.