How am I?

How am I?

Many know I fought long and hard against postpartum depression after the birth of my second son almost four years ago. Because of all I faced I found a new purpose in life... to become an advocate for mental health, to break the silence of an illness that is as real as any physical ailment, to be a listening ear for women who feel shame in depression, to help others support their loved ones in their times of need and to find a new depth to myself that only God could have orchestrated.

How am I?

Leading up to the birth of my third child I had many moments of fear. I was told I had a 50% chance of facing postpartum depression again. My odds increased after my miscarriage, however I had faced the truth - depression and anxiety may be a part of who I am now and I chose to accept it.

How am I?

On the day my son was born my thoughts lingered on the baby who I miscarried a little more then a year before. I couldn't see the face of my new gorgeous boy without thinking about the other baby who I never met... and yet... My heart was filled with joy and thanksgiving as I held my baby. I was fully able to be in the moment as stared at my miracle. The love and peace I felt with my new baby filled me with courage.

How am I?

Three kids is beyond overwhelming. Three kids has dropped me into the bucket of chaos where I feel at times there is NO escape. Three kids makes me feel outnumbered in a whole new way. But the sun still shines. The moments of pure joy make it possible to face the next moment of intensity. The dark cloud of depression is not nearly as intense. The red insanity of anxiety is dulled. The tools I spent months honing to face my darkness have become second nature. My heart praises God in the good times and the bad. It is well with my soul.

How am I?

God has put many in my life who uphold me in prayer. Many in my life who remind me of the truth of who I am. Who help me banish the lies that sometimes creep into my head. Those who I can go to without shame or fear. Those who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, crap and all, imperfections and all. I could not do life without these people.

How am I?

There are setbacks. Most days I don't have to fight anymore between my positive and negative mind, but then there are still the days that I do. Those days are hard. But then I look to God, I look to my people, I look to myself and who I have become and then I stand up, dust myself off, and keep moving forward.

How am I?

I am here. I am staying here.
I am ok.