Next Steps

I have categorized the past two years of my life, indicating some of my feelings during those times, as such:

• Pre-Pennsylvania (Working mom of 1, stable and happy but ready for a change) 2012
• Pre-baby Pennsylvania (Stay at home mom of 1, lonely and isolated and trying to adjust while throwing myself into every possible activity to meet people) September 2012 - December 2012
• Post-baby/pre-PPD identified (Stay at home mom of 2, lonely and trying to figure out parenting 2 kids while feeling intensely overwhelmed and numb) December 2012 - March 2013
• Post-baby PPD identified (Losing self, trying to fit into new life, grappling with diagnosis) March 2013 - June 2013
• Intense PPD (Chaos in the mind, a blur, loss of time, crisis mode) June 2013 - September 2013
• Rebuilding myself with PPD (Trying to put the pieces of myself back together including the new pieces that I came across through intense therapy and learning to live with my illness) September 2013 - February 2014
• Post intense PPD/Moving forward (No longer in survival mode, learning what it's like to be feeling better for the first time as a stay at home mom of 2 with friends and a life in PA) February 2014 - present

Wow... when I look at all I have gone through written out like that... I really want to just give myself a big hug and also give myself grace. That statement in-itself is a HUGE testament to how far I have come and how much I have changed. I have never been one to give myself grace even in the midst of such horrible suffering that was out of my control. I am so thankful that I now see clearly. 

Lately I have been having experiences which normally would be no big deal, but I see as huge next steps. These experiences haven't happened since "pre-Pennsylvania" times and therefore feel brand new. I recently accomplished one...

This past weekend I flew to Nashville to see a dear friend get married. When the invitation first came in the mail I knew without a doubt that I would be going; however I didn't think through the ramifications of where I was at (Post intense PPD) and when I had last flown alone (Pre-Pennsylvania) Dhrumil planned out all of the logistics for me (because he had realized the huge step I was taking even if I hadn't) and even printed out a wonderful itinerary and booked a gorgeous hotel. 

A few days before my flight I started to feel intensely anxious and overwhelmed by the slightest details of the trip having no idea how I was going to pull it off. The cycle of fear and doubt crept in which led to annoyance and frustration at myself. Pre-Pennsylvania I didn't have a problem with this! Pre-Pennsylvania I went on business trips alone including one while pregnant with Nolan overseas with a stop in Amsterdam to sightsee ALONE! How could I be freaking out about this!? Then I remembered that I was a new person, still fragile in my delicate newly adjusted skin. I had to give myself grace and love and remind myself that I was ready for this next step.

The trip was truly amazing. My therapist had challenged me to not take on too much during this short trip (ie. sightseeing, go go GOING) and go for the purpose of the wedding and that was it. I have been learning that I take on way too much and push myself to un-human expectations thus leaving me an empty shell with hardly anything left for my family, let alone myself. And so I took her challenge and let me just say I learned a huge lesson on what taking on just enough means. Some of what I did:

• Drove to Philly, took parking shuttle, took plane, took shuttle to hotel, took taxi, took limo, hailed

  

  Me and the beautiful bride Dara

  taxi amidst the super drunk people of Nashville, took taxi to airport next day, took plane, took shuttle, drove car home
• Went with the flow
• Read magazines
• Started a new book
• Took a nap
• Ate slowly at the hotel restaurant while reading
• Took multiple showers and washed my hair every time (yes this is huge when you are a mama)
• Spent precious hours with my friend while she got ready for the wedding
• Was filled with joy at seeing her marry and had fun meeting her friends
• Slept in
• Had breakfast in bed
• Came home tired but not TOO TIRED for my family and was not overwhelmed going into the week

And so here I am. Proud of myself for accomplishing a next step. I have been through a ton, but I am moving forward! I am slowly toughening up my new skin and loving myself in it.

I didn't want to leave the bed! ;-)