Peace

Each snow flake is different

Why is it so hard for us to be ok with who we are? I'm sure even the most confident people have moments where they question themselves. What makes us yearn to be so much like another and not feel at peace with who we were created to be? What a boring place this world would be if we were all the same... would the beauty of snow be altered if each snowflake was exactly the same?

Somedays it is hard to look at myself in the mirror and not pick out an immediate flaw... external or internal. But why? It is like there is a wall between the part of me who knows how amazing I am and the part of me that wants to bash all thoughts on the subject.

Today I was at peace with myself. I had the energy to focus on the present and it was a wonderful day. Were the kids perfect? NO! Was I perfect? NO! But I'm ok with that.

My analogy of today has to do with what I've been staring at for weeks... snow. It's as if I were caught in a snow storm with the beauty and silence of snow swirling around me. Each footprint I left made a beautiful imprint in the snow, but within minutes it was gone, and so I just continued ahead... making new footprints. I wasn't worried about the prints behind me because they had already vanished and I didn't care about those ahead of me because I wasn't there yet. I just focused on that one imprint frozen in that one moment.

I witnessed true joy in a moment today... a very ordinary moment mind you! Not the so called pin-able moment of taking my perfect cookies out of the oven while dancing to music whilst my daughter laughed in front of the fireplace making a perfect craft and the baby built and perfect tower of blocks.  BUT the joy that can only come out of the chaos of "swirling snow" if you may.

As I sat in front of my mirror this afternoon... hair dripping wet... sweats on...baby in lap sucking his thumb contentedly... Mikayla joyfully attempting to use a dryer and multiple brushes on my hair at once... time stood still. I stared at myself... at my children... there was not a flaw to be seen and I felt ... peace.

I could ask the darkness to hide me

and light around me to become night-

but even in the darkness I cannot hide from you.

To you the darkness shines bright as day.

Darkness and light are the same to you.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother's womb.

Psalm 139: 11-13

Should

I tend to forget what I have been fighting against is an illness... an illness which plays on the vulnerabilities in my mind and sets my perfectionistic tendencies on fire. An illness that has turned my self confidence upside-down, stolen my coping mechanisms and thrown me into a pit of overwhelming feelings.

And I thought it was just...me...

I have come far in my recovery and yet I seem to continuously grapple with the idea that I have not come far enough. In the therapy world, which I am now so familiar with, the professionals would say that I am "should-ing" myself. For example:

- I SHOULD be over this by now

- I SHOULD be able to not feel so anxious anymore

- I SHOULD be able to "handle" being a mother of two

- I SHOULD be so fully equipped with my mental "tools" that panic attacks would no longer happen

A day in the life with my little monkeys

- I SHOULD be able to not use SHOULD ANYMORE!

And thus I have led myself down into ElisaBeth's no-mans land of hopeless despair.

Today my frustration with my progress led to googling "how long does postpartum depression last" and the results were inconclusive. I guess if my psychiatrist can look me in the eyes and tell me so much is unknown about mental illnesses, google is not going to do much better.

Acceptance is key... I believe acceptance leads to peace. 

TODAY I accept.... where I am, that I am human, that I am doing a good job as a mother and wife, that I am not in control, that I am loved.

And so... on with life.