Becoming a Mother-Person

It's crazy to think a woman can grow a person for 9+ months, that this person will make his/her way out of you in 12+ hours and then BOOM you are considered a mother. All of the sudden you have been inducted into the most prestigious club there is on earth with one ear splitting cry of a tiny needy person... when just the day before you were fully wrapped up in yourself and who you had been becoming for the past 25+ years. 

Sure books were read, newborn prep classes taken and advice was given, but there really is no amount of preparation that can truly equip you for the life altering change you go through as a person. Learning to take care of a tiny person is one thing... learning to understand the new you is a whole other. Can this change happen so rapidly? So quickly? So overnight? I believe we are meant to believe it does, however I have learned for me that it has taken time.

Becoming a mother-person is a process... a process that is constantly evolving. The wisdom that I have ascertained over these past six years have been invaluable. Looking forward to the upcoming birth of my third child has filled me with a certain excitement that I finally understand what being a mother means to me. I am not talking about being an expert in newborn care 101, preschool tantrums or navigating the total crazy random things your 6 year old does... heck no... I will constantly be surprised by these things, unknowing how to handle them and also floundering on a daily basis. Rather, I am talking about who I am!

I unknowingly fought the idea of being a mother-person for many years.  My internal argument... I was still me wasn’t I?  I wasn’t a 100% selfless being who went with every whim of her children and moved heaven and earth just for them. I had to reserve some identity for myself... I had to be ME!! But I didn’t know who me was and instead of one identity, I had taken on many AND I had made them unattainable. I strove to be a fully unique, dedicated, driven, dare I say perfect and separate person as an employee, wife, friend, musician, thinker, follower of God, woman, daughter, sister, mother.

The thing was I had the idea of who a mother was supposed to be all wrong. I felt I was lowering myself to think of my role as a mother to be my calling at present. I rejected that God had called me to this very precise position in order to shape and mold me into a new identity. One He had predestined for me, one He knew would make me a whole rounded person. Being a mother doesn’t mean being selfless and living for your children 100% of the time. To me, it is an intricate weaving of past, present and future self into someone who is fully unique, imperfect, learning and growing. I had been battling that true identity for 4 years and it was getting exhausting. Exhausting to not be able to fully measure up to who I thought I was supposed to be and exhausting to not be able to accept my true identity.

Embrace

Something finally clicked about a year ago. Maybe it was my depression and the process of having to put myself back together again from the nothingness I had become. Maybe it was the amount of time I spent being a mother. Maybe it was the hundreds of hours of therapy I had done learning to be more self aware, learning to love my imperfect self. Maybe it was because I was finally letting myself let God lead. Maybe it was all of the above... but I have now fully embraced being a mom, being content and also being me... they are all the same thing!  It’s hard to describe but as I birth this baby I will not be re-birthing myself this time. I am no longer a reflection of who I want to be... I am now who God means for me to be right now and that is empowering, encouraging and exciting! I am whole. 

The Real Belly

I pray my son and daughter can grow up loving their imperfections and embracing every mark on their bodies. As I stare in the mirror at my ever growing belly, and my war-torn stretch marks that continue to multiply, I have tried to accept that NOW is the time for my body to go through yet another change... and I will fully embrace that change! I know that after I give birth I will have months of waiting until my belly goes down... that's just how my body is... and I will try to embrace that as well! We are all different and unique and comparing just drops us in the crapper. So here's to the next 9 months and seeing what my body can do.

"Mama why does your belly have those marks?"

"Because I have had the blessing of growing three people inside of me and it stretched me out a bit. Some ladies get marks on them and some do not"

"Does it hurt?"

"No it's just uncomfortable"

"Is this baby I'm feeling!?"

"Yes it is"

"Can baby chestnut hear me? LALALALALALALA"

"Um yes he/she can"

"Did you feel that!?"

"Yes!"

"I love this baby!"

"And I love you!!!"

An Ode to the End

How my daughter views my massive baby bump

You'd think I'd be all sentimental at this point in my pregnancy... especially since the plan is for this to be the last baby. The last experience of the miracle of life growing inside of me. I had thought these last 6 (maybe less!?!?!) weeks would be of me cherishing my growing belly, my glowing self and the silence before the screaming.

But alas... I have never been pregnant in the DEAD of summer, I have never been pregnant with a THIRD baby and goodness I had completely forgotten how UNCOMFORTABLE this whole thing is... especially this time around. And so to remember this time in a realness you can only expect from me...

My legs fall asleep while I sit down to pee

My belly is itchy as itchy can be

When I sleep the baby thinks it's time to play

And if I don't take a nap I'll be a grump all day

Chasing after kids when you're as large as a house

Makes you look like a mad elephant instead of a mouse

My belly has become a dangerous thing

Because of the children who fall with one swing

Chores such as laundry and cooking and cleaning

Are done at the speed of a snail who is weaving

But at least I can laugh and so can the kids

And so can the stranger who's all up in my biz

So body you're amazing as you grow this little person

But hey I think baby building has become quite an aversion

A Mother's Blessing - Celebrating Baby Chestnut!

I first got the idea to have a Mother's Blessing while re-reading my favorite birth book... Birthing From Within. With each pregnancy I have found re-reading my library of birth books to be very helpful in preparing for a natural birth. I typically read them until about a month before the due date and then I drop it all and try to quiet my mind until the baby arrives. This time around will probably be the most challenging to quiet my mind with two little cuties taking up most of my brain space. ;-)

Having walked through so many turbulent times with my depression and miscarriage I wanted to celebrate this pregnancy in a personal and meaningful way. The premise of a blessing is to nurture the mother-to-be and celebrate motherhood. This focus and the empowerment behind it sounded so encouraging for my next step in life. I also wanted to include my dear friends and family in a way that they would also feel blessed and loved as mothers and someday mothers.

I love seeing an idea evolve and flourish. This is how my blessing came to be... creating makes me happy and is healing. I bought candles for each woman and added a chestnut tree charm. After each person introduced herself we lit the candle to add her presence to our gathering. After the blessing each woman took her candle home and will light it when I'm in labor as a reminder to pray for me and so I can be comforted knowing I am supported. I also had each woman bring a verse or poem or word of wisdom which she then wrote down on a piece of fabric. My friend will create a flag which I can look on during birth and beyond and remember how loved I am by God and those around me. I especially loved the part where all shared what they had written. It was not only incredibly encouraging to me, but to all who were present.

Mikayla's involvement also evolved into something very special. From the pedicures with mama before the blessing, to the matching dresses and flower crowns (which were really fun to make!) to the specialness of being the only kid there to the reading of her special message to the baby... this big sister was celebrated! She did amazingly well throughout, and though the occasional sigh would escape her lips (she is 6 after all) I think she felt treasured and loved.

Being outside has always been a saving grace for me throughout my life. Climbing trees and reading in them when I was young, laying under a tree for hours at a time with Dhrumil before kids, walking to catch my breath after a tough day or running through the corn fields... God's beauty is all encompassing on the soul. I knew my sister's mother in law as an avid gardener and her backyard is always beautiful in the summer. She graciously allowed the use of her beautiful space and also her collection of serving-wear. Each element added just the right touch. I also had lovely women help with food and decor as well as setting up and cleaning up and taking pictures (thanks Margaret for these). I couldn't have done it without them!

And then of course the most important part of the Blessing... the women who have been there for me and who have been such an encouragement in my life. I treasure each of those who were there and my many other friends and family who were unable to make it... God has put each of you in my life for a special reason. I'm ready for this new step in my God-ordained "job" as a mama of three!

Acceptance of Imperfection... again

The high pitched sobs were loud, hot tears poured out over a red face distorted by a mixture of feelings and the body stance was that of defiance. I was witnessing my son trying to come to terms with his emotions, but not yet equipped with the tools to do so... thus a tantrum had ensued. Nolan was upset that his sister set up morning snack and unbeknownst to me, had wanted to do so himself. As I tried to help him over the hump of unbridled emotions into one of acceptance, I was struck with sympathy for his situation. On many occasions acceptance of my circumstances have made me want to do exactly what Nolan was doing and throw myself into a tantrum. But... I'm an adult...

Pregnancy amnesia is real! Now almost into my third trimester and I had forgotten the random aches and pains, exhaustion, moods, hunger, aversions, clumsiness, human incubator, vessel of life, breathlessness and sleeplessness that comes with this joyous time. And did I mention it takes me five times as long to complete any task? (Granted I now have two kids)

Until a few weeks ago I hadn't realized how much pressure I was putting on myself to have a
"perfect" pregnancy. My first trimester was wrought with morning sickness, but with every nauseous feeling I praised God because that meant my baby was still growing. In my second trimester, when I was finally able to believe the baby was going to live, I willed the joy to continue being real because darkness wasn't allowed! And then I hit a few days of feeling down and a week of not being able to sleep and everything was thrown out of whack disrupting the perfection I had unknowingly been trying to achieve.

Accepting I'm an achy imperfect preggo!

I feel like pregnancy, just like postpartum, comes with a "you should be" stamp. If you are not happy and glowing there is something wrong with you. If you are unable to continue to "do it all" you need to sign up for more yoga classes. If you can't attend to everyone's needs then how in the world are you going to take care of another life!?

And then self awareness caught up... I was doing this to myself again. I wasn't accepting my present circumstances, I wasn't accepting that I am a human with flaws. I wasn't allowing myself to remember the difficulties of creating a HUMAN BEING! I was again throwing up the bar so high that I would NEVER reach it, no matter how thankful I felt I should be. This carrying a life thing... this thing is hard. And that's OK! I had to accept that these last few months are going to be hard... and that's OK! Three mile walks filled with braxton hicks? Ok just walk around the block... very slowly. Making dinner filled with braxton hicks? Ok just sit down and leave dinner and give the kids a sandwich. Kids going insane and I'm unable to keep up with them? Fine just let them wreck the house. Fear of not being able to do it all with three instead of two? UM DUH you will never be able to do it all...

And so I head into my last trimester an imperfect, tired and achy Mama, but one who is SO excited to take one step at a time and fully embrace the joy that comes in the moments. How exciting to be growing and learning one little kick at a time.

The Rainbow

Being pregnant after a miscarriage has been a completely different experience for me. I approached my first two pregnancies with a sort of naive sense of wonder. Unbridled joy and entitlement were my friends and I went about life without even pausing to let my mind go "there".

My third pregnancy was different... it had been almost three years since I had been pregnant and I felt anxious. I had seen precious friends lose their babies and I knew much more of life's suffering. I had been joyful for those few weeks and yet I had moments where I felt that my sweet baby would not live here on earth with me. I had to continuously remind myself that I was not in control! And when that ever so small, but ever so precious life left me... a small part of me left as well. I never realized how someone so small could so deeply effect me.

Today was my third prenatal visit, but I was still extremely nervous. I have been having trouble accepting that everything is going to be ok this time... that the baby is in fact going to make it and at times... that he/she is still alive. Hope has seemed like something I wasn't allowed to have... I was safer without it.

It felt like time stood still while I waited for the midwife to place the doppler on my belly. I half expected not to hear anything... and then in what felt like an eternity, but was only a moment, the sweet sound of my baby's heartbeat drumming happily away was heard. I could tell the midwife sensed the relief that flooded over me in that moment. As he took my hand to help me sit up he spoke with sincerity "You have been forever changed by your loss... not only do you have the realization that a baby can be easily lost, but that you yourself can experience it." And in that moment I was able to again accept that my feelings of fear were ok. And then move on...

A few weeks ago as I sat staring at my growing belly I was struck with fear and frustration. I was missing someone I had never met... how could I possibly start to love another? How could I even begin to allow myself to remember that God was good after my other baby was taken away? And then a sure small voice said...

I am with you, your baby is in my hands

But God my other baby was in your hands and he/she will never be with me on earth

Yes but that baby was never meant for this earth and instead is with me now and will never have to face fear, disease or pain. It is ok to hope. I know your heart.

Peace washed over me... I was reminded how even when I was so so angry at God for my depression

and feeling completely abandoned... that he was there with me through it all. That I am now a person who I NEVER thought I would be. Confident in Christ who made me! There is no shame in hoping, in believing that this baby is going to be ok... that I will be ok. 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. - Romans 5: 1-5

Three

Do you remember the game MASH? My girlfriends and I would giggle as we wrote down different outcomes for our life. A magical number that was chosen from a swirl on a page would determine the answer chosen. Who was our husband going to be? Where would we live? What job would we have? How many kids would we have? You get the idea. I always remember cheering when I was, according to the game, "destined" to have three kids. Three kids... for some reason was "the" number.

And then life happened. The real thing... not the life that I so giddily dreamed of on paper when I was ten years old. Life that was oh so sweet and magical but also so very dark and full of pain. Through its twists and turns I was given the precious gifts of Mikayla and Nolan. No complications in conceiving, carrying or delivering. I was truly blessed. However, I still felt like our family wasn't complete. Even in the midst of some of my darker days with PPD I had a small longing in my heart to add yet another to our family.

My postpartum depression lingered on and on... our world was turned upside down by it. Thoughts of another child were put on the back burner. In some respect I grieved the possibility of never having another baby. I had many conversations with God about why I had to be inflicted with such an illness and why I couldn't just move ahead with MY plan. But I waited... patient and listening. Grasping to all of the moments of joy. Soaking in all of the time spent with my children. 

Almost three years since Nolan was born passed. I was a new person strengthened by my struggles, moving ahead with the tools I had been given and excited about where I was going. I had accepted that depression and anxiety may be an illness I would struggle with on and off for the rest of my life and was at peace with it. I knew that if I had tough times in the future I would be prepared. Naturally the discussion about another baby came up. Different doctor appointments were made to discuss the potential of PPD symptoms returning, hope was made new, safety nets were put into place.

Three weeks ago we lost our precious baby. I was six weeks pregnant and yet the life inside of me
was already attached to my heart. Everyone's experience is different... my experience physically wasn't so terrible, but emotionally, it was heart wrenching. 

Miscarriage is so hard to process for me. There was a life... and then there wasn't. There was hope, joy, excitement, planning... and then there wasn't. For so long I haven't allowed myself to think ahead, I have focused on the present and for a brief moment I took a trip into the future, but that too was snuffed out. It's as if my baby were a snowflake that was sent down from the beauty of the sky and as soon as I caught it, it melted in my hands. Beautiful, perfect, one of a kind. 

God is with me always and I feel His presence through another difficult time in my life. Considering the valleys I have visited, I am doing amazing. I am again living in the present, taking each day as it comes. I am missing the person I will never get to know, never get to hold in my arms, never get to kiss... but I know with time the days will grow easier.

And so life moves ahead... and I with it... bringing along another perspective that will mold me and make me stronger.