A few Disney Photos - Debunked

As you may know... I am all about being real. I am going to post some photos of Disney and our time in Florida on Facebook, as well as create a photo book for our family to remember. However I wanted to remember some of the funny stories behind the pictures... 

Ready for breakfast with Mickey... before this picture Mikayla wouldn't stop running around

Annnd they were scared of Minnie

We were at a character breakfast and I was the one who had to smile with the characters!
 

We went on Dumbo two times... Mikayla loved!

Loved seeing how interested Nolan was in the brass band

The both fell asleep at the same time the first day... 

Mommy was more excited about the Minnie ears and the Swiss Family Robinson tree house

She didn't want to talk to Cinderella and so Dhrumil and I had to make small talk with Cindy

Nolan's first girlfriend

Well she smiled for this one... lunch in the castle was a bit stressful but had lovely moments... all pictures with princesses had to be with me. 

More excited about her chocolate

This cracks me up... she wasn't the happiest princess in the castle... but what do you expect from a three year old who has been at the park all day in 95 degree weather?

Standing in line for more characters... Dhrumil was tired

We asked a stranger to take this picture... she had to wait a few minutes while we tried to rally the troops

A delicious lunch in Italy... one tired little girl

M insisted we take this picture in China

She got this parasol because I got one when I was little... she didn't really care about it ;-)

And she was done in France... it was hard to get her off the ground... but I was still having fun!

Dreams DO Come True

When one thinks of Disney World phrases come to mind such as... "the happiest place on earth" "a place where dreams come true" "magical"... it's as if nothing but happiness should come from such a place.

We were originally supposed to travel to Florida in early September,  but since I was still in my

intensive therapy we decided to push it off. I didn't know how I could travel to such a place of happiness when I still felt so horrible. My "dream" for the vacation was that I would be more stable in my recovery, have the ability to enjoy myself and be the best I could be in that moment for my family.

The week before we left was difficult for me. Though I continued focusing on the "now" I was feeling overwhelmed with every day life. I decided, with no judgment on myself, to take a step back from social obligations (my therapist encouraged me that I was not isolating) and instead spent a whole week packing a little at a time, enjoying the kids and just being silent when possible.

Ready for Dumbo!

My expectations of the trip? I had none! I guess my thinking pattern has changed so drastically that I just went with the moments. Was our time at Disney perfect? Um what do you think? Even if you weren't at the park with two little kids... the possibility that someone was going to stand in front of you while you were trying to catch a glimpse of Cinderella was bound to happen making your day not has happy as it could have been.

In the end the family time we shared on the most magical place on earth went above and beyond anything I could have hoped for... could have even dreamed for.  While in the pits of my postpartum depression I felt as though I could never truly be me again. And I guess you could say I found myself... an even more amazing self... at Disney.

My journey through this illness has truly been given a gift... a different perspective on life. I feel as
though I have been instilled wisdom beyond my years. It is what I do with the wisdom that counts. God has blessed me with a new start. Our time at Disney solidified that I am getting better and as I continue to take life as it comes I pray my growth doesn't end!

Meeting Donald

Cindy! As I call her now...

Minnie is coming to our table!

Delicious food in "Italy" with a sleeping Nolan

Still here... still fighting

Not much new over in ElisaBeth land to share. I just finished my fourth "normal" week since July and honestly I guess I thought I'd be a little farther in my recovery. Maybe I thought I would be cured by now... and I'm not.

The waiting game... the continued chance encounter of a good or bad day... the frustrating mornings when I'm not sure how I can move through the day, much less move two little souls along with me... the random lows... the panic attacks... and so on and so on and so on... just thought I'd be over them.

Honestly I have been extremely upset at God these past few weeks. "GOD WHY am I still suffering so? I haven't been able to be a mother of two without this illness, I feel as though I have missed so much of life these past months! Haven't I worked so very very hard for myself, for my family? Haven't I asked for help? Haven't I sought you in all of this!?" These very questions have shaken the faith that I have stood on my entire life. They have even made me think... is He real?! Is he true? Am I loved!?

The kids were melting down, a family picture wasn't going to happen,
and YET I was in the now.... I was happy I was me!

And yet I feel that in my suffering, through my tough questions, in my moments where I feel as though I may not believe anymore... GOD is doing a great work in me! HE IS! He can take our anger, He can take our fear, He can take it and He has taken it. My faith will be even stronger after this storm has passed because my questions will be... are being... answered.

How can we grow if we do not question? My growth has been tremendous the past months... rebuilding myself, understanding who I am, understanding what it means to have a mental illness, identifying with others who have similar illnesses, navigating through a sea of those who do not but who are trying to help me, navigating through a sea of those who do not understand at all, seeing myself for who I am now.

So here I am. I have good days, I have bad. I have wonderful mommy moments, I have mommy moments I wish to forget. I am a loving wife, I am a selfish wife. Hey... this actually sounds pretty normal!

Keep on fighting, keep on questioning and keep on believing that YOU are special, amazing, loved and treasured by a God who knows you inside and out. We are all suffering in one form or another. Isn't it amazing that one day our suffering will be over and we will be filled with JOY forever and ever and ever and ever!? AMEN!!!!!!

Beautiful!

A Week

Today marks a completed first full week that I have been home all day with the kids since my stay in the hospital. I can't believe it had been 7 weeks since taking part in a "normal" week at home.

Was it a perfect week? Um no... who can ever say they have had a perfect week? Especially a mom of two young kids? Was it a good week? YES! I can say with confidence that it was. It is such a wonderful feeling to feel like oneself again...

The "keys" to my success this week?

- Hung out with friends every day
- Knew my support system of friends and husband were only a call away
- Didn't try to set unreachable goals for myself
- Was fully aware of how things effected me
- Got messy with Mikayla
- Let Nolan eat mulch (well to an extent)
- Spent time outside with the kids
- Didn't think ahead!
- Worked on staying in the moment
- Finished each day by telling myself all of the positive things that I did that day
- Asked God for patience
- Drank a lot of Starbucks ;-) (jk... well actually I did... I just told Dhrumil it was a needed coping skill)
- Met with a new therapist, set a plan for going forward, met again with my psychiatrist (all safety nets in place and making me feel secure!)
- Had amazing friends check in on me with texts and emails
- Enjoyed and afternoon with my mom
- Didn't second guess myself!!! (what a challenge)
- Tried to see myself through God's eyes... a beautiful, intelligent woman

The depression and anxiety? Still there... but I am so thankful to God for the ability to charge ahead despite it and also to have more mild symptoms this week. Spending 90 hours...wow 90... of intensive therapy/work, soul searching, soul digging, renewing of my mind, smashing of the negativism, building my self back up... WHATEVER you want to call it... in the span of 7 weeks... it helped! Thank GOD it helped. And I am so very proud of myself for sticking with it.

The road? Still long and bumpy with curves and dips up ahead. But tomorrow is another day, and then there will be another week and yet another and I will continue on. Trying to remember all I have learned and enjoying the moments of clarity that are coming more frequently!

Soli Deo Gloria!

Some of this week

Victory!

I did it! No seriously... I did it!

I have learned to celebrate the small victories in my life... even if it means taking a moment to mentally jump up and down because I took a deep patient breath after Mikayla dropped a glass into my bathtub and two weeks later I am still finding tiny pieces of glass whilst trying to relax in a cloud of bubbles.

So I decided to celebrate my victory today by writing a post.

To preface... Mikayla has a cold, Nolan's nose is a runny faucet and he is getting four teeth at once and Dhrumil (my man who has been doing EVERYTHING for me) is the sickest one out of all of them.

Last night before bed was extremely difficult for me which led to a horrible night of sleep. This morning I had no idea how I would get through the day feeling physically and emotionally drained with two sick babes and an out of service hubby. BUT I did it!

Target Time!

With God by my side I was filled with an energy that I didn't think I could muster. I took each moment at a time and instead of setting lofty goals like keeping the house spotless and everyone laughing all day... I chose to just keep the kitchen clean and take the kid's as they were.

I was able to stay positive even while wrestling Nolan to wipe his nose and waiting for Mikayla to chose the perfect outfit to wear for the day. I even thoroughly enjoyed myself because I left all judgement of myself at the door.

I was able to send my hubby to bed when he came home from work, put the kids to bed bathed and happy and then take a moment to feel good about my day.

Thank you Jesus! Though seemingly small from the outside perspective... I just climbed a mountain today and am still smiling!

My Courage

Patch Adams, Girl Interrupted, A Beautiful Mind, The Snake Pit... these movies were my points of reference for what a mental hospital was supposed to be like. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would end up in one.

But I did...

Courage is defined as the following: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. 

Courage was the last thing I thought I had when I admitted myself into the hospital. I was in crisis and my mind had seemingly run away with any control I might have had left. I no longer wanted to fight and paralyzed by the feelings of being unworthy of my family, friends and even my God... I felt hopeless beyond anything I thought possible. It was as if I was watching myself fall apart... and yet... a small small voice within screamed out for help.

The act of asking for help was the most courageous thing I have ever done. I see that now. In my weakest moment I was STRONG!

The hospital was NOT like I had envisioned... the patients were some of the most courageous people I have ever met. They showed compassion to me from the very start... these people were dealing with their own sicknesses... most without support... and they still took time to ask how I was doing, to give me a reassuring smile, to tell me it would get better. Even when the darkness of depression seemed to overwhelm us, we sought each other and knew that we were not alone in our fight.

Mental illness is real... mental illness is an illness, it is a sickness! I was so judgmental before... even in my first moments at the hospital... looking around at those on my wing thinking how I was not like them. I judged them!

I left a different person.

True courage is asking for help. True courage is looking at all of the dirt built up within you and
working moment by moment to clean it up. True courage is accepting where you are at, even if it is in the midst of an illness that is unlike anything you have ever dealt with.

I have seen the dull eyes of those in pain, I have seen my own eyes staring back filled with despair... and yet I have also seen the small light of courage shine through all of it.

I am grateful for that. I am thankful to God for this journey because through it I have come to understand so so much.