I'm Me!

Many days it's been hard to find the true ElisaBeth amidst the depression. It has been a struggle to differentiate between the two. Part of me wants to yell at myself for the loss of control I sometimes feel and the other part wants to give myself a hug and say that it's not my fault.

With the stigma attached to mental illness, depression and postpartum depression, I believe it is hard to understand what it really is... I know I had no idea until experiencing it myself. I wish the cure to depression was as easy as just being happy, just pulling it together, just making the most of what you have...  but it's not.

I have the most amazing God, husband, kids, family, friends, support, place to live, dog, me time, car (you get the picture)... and yet I still continue to fight on a daily basis to get better. This can be extremely frustrating, especially when I get caught in the cycle of blaming myself about the depression and that I just need to get over it already.

Mental illness is just that... an illness. And so, though I continue to struggle to still truly understand it, I know that like any other illness it will take time. Like any healing... work needs to be done and a sense of determination needs to be had in order to stay on the positive side while in the midst of crap.

And so who am I during this storm in life? My therapist in the hospital said something that really stuck with me... I need to just accept where I'm at right now. Soon it will be over, soon I will not have to fight so hard, but right now this is me and I'm an incredible and courageous fighter who wants to get better for her family, friends and especially for herself!

I'm ME!

If I roar like a lion (roar) 

Does it make me a lion?

If I bark like a dog (ruff ruff)

Does it make me a dog?

If I hiss like a snake (hiss)

Does it make me a snake?

No, no, no, no

I'm so much more than 

You can see

I have LIFE inside of me

That makes me move, feel and

love

I can act a certain way

And do all sort of things but in 

the end

I'm me, I'm me, I'm me

- Excerpt from Song I'm ME! by Charlie Hope

Hope

The past few days have been the absolute hardest in my fight against PPD. I feel like I write that sentence at the beginning of many of my posts, but this time I don't think I could sink any lower.

I may elaborate a bit more in some of my future posts, but the fact is that I had to stay in a hospital for a few days. At the beginning of my stay I was angry at God, felt abandoned by Him and didn't understand how He could let this happen to me. At the end of my stay my  heart was changed once again and I felt hope and fight in me that could only come from Him.

This morning before I left to come home I opened my devotion and read this:

What I drew this morning before leaving

Hope is a golden cord connecting you to heaven. This cord helps you hold your head up high, even when multiple trials are buffeting you. I never leave your side, and I never let go of your hand. But with-out the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may shuffle as you journey uphill with Me. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see from the high road. You are reminded that the road we're traveling together is ultimately a highway to heaven. When you consider this radiant destination, the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant. I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus: My continual Presence and the hope of heaven. 

- Jesus Calling

Thank you for those who have been praying for me. I have felt bathed in God's love today after leaving the hospital. The moments I have shared with my children and my husband have been some of the most precious I have ever had. 

I have hope that I will continue to have the courage and strength to fight this illness and get better. With God's help I will win!

Let's Have a Party

I feel like devoting a post to a pity party.

Though this may not be the mature, correct and helpful thing to do I believe it is necessary for me at this moment.

And so...

You're Invited to ElisaBeth's Pity Party!
Where? Right Here
When? Right Now
What? A non-celebration of how frustrating Postpartum Depression can be
Why? Because... it sucks

This evening my wonderful husband didn't blink twice when I asked if I could head out alone for the last five hours of the day. He was left to conquer feeding the baby peas and a bottle, putting both kids to bed while simultaneously dealing with the sweet and salty attitude of our three year old who is coming off of being sick. I am so thankful to be able to leave on a whim and know that Dhrumil has everything under control at home. I feel that this freedom of leaving really helps me at times.

After seeing Despicable Me 2 (which was very funny), grabbing a burrito and then reading magazines (such as Time and Psychology Today in which I hoped would help keep my brain working on things besides the color of baby poo) at the bookstore, I decided to peruse the depression aisle.

***DISCLAIMER: When one searches the depression aisle one should probably not have the expectation of feeling happier after one skims books on this topic.***

There were no books on PPD and so I decided to check out a few on "mainstream" depression. After reading one section of a book on what one needs to do to not feel so tired... I dropped my hands in defeat and just stared at the shelves of books in front of me. They blurred into one large blob and that's when it hit me... again...

WHY do I have deal with this!? WHY now!? WHY WHY WHY!? WHY can't life just be simple!?

***DISCLAIMER: I know that everyone everywhere deals with something and many may have much worse situations than myself, but this is my pity party and so I will continue on in this manner for a few more paragraphs***

I am learning to be a mom of two, I am learning to stay at home with my kids, I am learning to live in a new place, I am learning to understand who I am in these situations, I am still healing from carrying life for nine months, I am still sustaining life by nursing my child, I am a wife, I am a cleaner, I am a cook, I am the lawn service, I am a dog walker, I am, I am , I am...

And so WHY do I have deal with this blasted postpartum depression on top of it all!? Life is challenging enough... really. And this author in this book has the GAUL to tell me I have to do a whole list of other things on top of my normal day to day to just try to get back to being normal!?

No wonder those who are depressed want to just sit and stare into the oblivion... it can just be too much to handle sometimes.

I digress...

Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow I will wake up and though I can not predict if I will be able to pop right out of bed and move ahead or if I will have to muster all of the strength left in me just to sit up, tomorrow I will no longer pity myself. I will be ready to once again fight the fight against this illness. I will continue to try with all of my heart to smile and laugh when my daughter does a silly dance, to inhale the sweet baby perfume of my son's breath while he coos in my face, to feel the ever steady arms of my husband's embrace and to thank God for giving me the will to keep on going and finding His blessings in the smallest of triumphs.

A happy moment today... on our way to breakfast as a family

Giving Thanks

This week in Sunday School we briefly discussed the following verse...

[...] always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. 
- Ephesians 5:20

We were asked what it meant to always give thanks and some replied that giving thanks in the hard times may be close to impossible, but looking back on those times you could see the blessings. Personally I now understand that you CAN give thanks even during those hard times. PPD has been the toughest trial I have faced and I can not believe it, but I have felt more blessed by God during it then any other time.

Since my last post I have faced some pretty tough weeks. When I think I am getting better I feel as though I am hit with something new. I am continuously understanding that this illness is something that you can't just get over in a few months. It is going to take time...

I was having trouble falling asleep tonight and had to write... below is what came out. It amazes me after reading it the thankfulness that I feel even at my lowest points.

Walking on this path

A blessed moment

The journey seems so far
It stretches out in front of me
Will it ever end?

At times it's hard to breath
At times it's hard to see
At times it's hard to remember who I was
Will I find her again?

A shell of my former self
I trudge on ahead
For I can not stop
I am needed, I am wanted, I am loved

Lord, at times it is hard to understand why
But then I see the blessings amidst the clouds
And I know this is the storm I must face
This storm that will not last forever

The world is full of sorrow
But also full of joy
I am thankful for the moments of peace and clarity
I am thankful to not walk this path alone

For You, oh God, I praise in my darkest hours
You have already shown me so much through my journey
And though I fear sometimes that I can not endure another moment of this illness
I will continue to look to You

This shall pass!
I will find myself again!
My confidence in myself will once again be restored
For You, oh God, can make all things possible!

I Surrender All

This has been one of the toughest weeks by far since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I felt as though I had lost faith in God and thus was unable to go to Him for comfort or help. PPD has cornered me into feeling hopeless many times, but without being able to talk to God... the hopelessness was unbearable. I just wanted to give up and give in to the dark abyss the was threatening to overtake my spirit and fight. My tortured soul kept yelling at me that there was something wrong with me... why couldn't I handle my life? Why couldn't I be happy when I had such beautiful and precious children? Such an amazing husband? Why couldn't I be confident in the person God had created me to be?

This afternoon I was hit out of no where with the hopelessness of my situation. I had decided to skip church orchestra practice in the evening because I had no energy to do anything besides take care of the kids. When Dhrumil came home from work he urged me to go do something that would make me happy. Barely seeing as I walked up the stairs to my room... not knowing what I was going to do... I felt a clear and strong voice inside of me say "GO." Strangely I didn't hesitate... I grabbed my violin, said goodbye to Dhrumil and the kids and went to church.

After playing through the first song, the director gave us context behind the songs that were chosen for this Sunday. He said the pastor was going to speak on a particular passage that in essence would reiterate the facts that God sees you, He is with you and He hears your cries. I felt as though he were directing this at me. I quickly blinked back tears... God had heard my cries today... He had seen my hopelessness, He was with me through all of it.

After orchestra I decided to grab dinner and was going to go to the bookstore to eat when I went to the  park instead. I sat on a bench overlooking a small pond and after eating decided to close my eyes and be still. In the stillness I heard birds singing their joyful songs and crickets chirping as if in a symphony. The smell of fresh earth and flowers enveloped me and the cool breeze felt as if it were wrapping around me like a crisp sheet on a warm summer night. I was in-tuned to God's creation. Then I heard the voice within me... this time it said "GO HOME" For someone who hadn't been seeking God He was being very loud, clear and direct. For a moment I let my thoughts cloud in... I wanted to stay away... I wanted to go to the bookstore and escape. I stopped my mind again and heard "GO HOME"... and so I went.

As I drove home in silence, windows down, wind blowing my hair... tears started to pour down my face. I didn't want to go back home... I wanted to go somewhere and distract myself from all that had been keeping me down. Again... "GO HOME"... "Why God?"

As I pulled up I noticed Dhrumil was doing yard work and had the back yard still to mow. I walked over to him and he asked if I wanted to mow. Keeping my mind silent and void of thoughts I agreed and went at the mowing with all the power that was left in me. As I pushed the mower my mind was silent... and then God spoke again "I know what is best for you, I know you better than you know yourself, I am with you" The last few patches of grass I sprinted towards, pushing with all of my might,  as I finished I noticed the sun had set and the moon was high above. I raised my hands and yelled... "I surrender... Lord God I give you this, You will heal me, You will continue to direct me towards the right treatments, You are with me."

In the twilight as if moved by an invisible force I went to weed the flower bed and heard "My child, this is Not your fault..."

And so I share this story to you... so that you may believe. God is REAL and HE LOVES you!

My experience tonight was a reminder of His individual and infinite love for me. I know I am not done climbing this mountain...I know that tomorrow will be another day of hurdles and battles against this illness and I know that I may lose faith again. BUT I will get through this because of my God and because of all those who are praying for me. He hears us and He does answer...

I lift up my eyes to the mountains-

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip-

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you-

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The lord will keep you from all harm-

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

.

He's There... Even When You're Not

I had gotten to the point a few days ago where I was unable to pray.

Frustrated after doing so well for so many weeks to only be back at square one... or even further back... I just wanted to give up and give in to the black cloud the was chasing away any part of myself that I thought I had gotten back. I was evaporating once again into a shell of my former self and it was a hopeless place to be.

Thankfully when I shared this feeling to a few close people... instead of scoffing at the idea that I couldn't pray or look down their noses at me... they did the opposite. They came to me with words of compassion, wisdom and understanding. I felt loved by them and felt the love of God through them. I was reminded that even if I couldn't pray... they could pray for me. That even if I couldn't come to God in that moment because I was angry, weary, exhausted... that He was still there with me, holding my hand. And that once again... I wasn't alone in my fight.

This morning at church as I was singing the great hymn, How Great Thou Art, I felt God's presence all around me. The beautiful image of His hand holding me, protecting me and guiding me came to me... and I was at peace.

Even in the midst of the darkness... I see the light!

Thankful for a glorious laugh today!

Beauty in the Darkness

Anxiety, along with a few other symptoms from PPD, reared their ugly heads during our first family of four mini vacation this past weekend. It was discouraging after having a really good month... almost four weeks of finally feeling like myself again. These past few days I was in a constant battle within myself to just relax. 

Obviously vacations aren't what they used to be... two little kids in tow will do that. The change of scenery is wonderful, change of pace rewarding, having daddy with us all day is fantastic... but let me just put it out there... I think Dhrumil and I are more tired than when we left. Trying to navigate two tiny rooms and who will sleep where, naps, snacks, meals, the hour and a half it took to prepare everyone for the beach, the day of pouring rain, the slathering of sunscreen, the non-stop responsibility.

After a day of rain yesterday, this morning's sun was bright and we were able to enjoy a few hours on the beach before heading home. As I sat on my beach chair nursing Nolan, breathing in the sea air and watching Mikayla and Dhrumil play in the waves, I was thankful for the moment of peace that I felt. Everything stopped... I could just be. It was as if I had forgotten that I still need to live in the now... that I still need to stop and listen and feel God's guidance down this difficult path.

Though these last few days were tough for me in dealing with my illness, there were amazing moments in it! Our family walk on the beach... the special moments I spent with Mikayla collecting shells, swimming in the pool, building castles and running into the waves (she kept looking up at me and saying "this is my most favorite part of the day!") The walk on the beach I had alone with Nolan, who promptly fell asleep in the Ergo and didn't realize it was pouring rain on us as I power walked over the sand back to the hotel... the excitement that both kids were asleep and Dhrumil and I could enjoy sitting on the chairs outside in silence... the family meals. 

All of these moments made it worth it. 

And so... I will look back on this vacation and its precious moments as something beautiful. The moments that I didn't feel like I had to document constantly with my camera, the excitement on Mikayla's face when she looked at the ocean, sweet Nolan eyeing the sand as something he wasn't quite sure of and the loving looks Dhrumil gave to his family. In those moments... I truly lived.

And this postpartum depression thing? I will just keep on fighting the fight until I come out victorious on the other side.