He's There... Even When You're Not

I had gotten to the point a few days ago where I was unable to pray.

Frustrated after doing so well for so many weeks to only be back at square one... or even further back... I just wanted to give up and give in to the black cloud the was chasing away any part of myself that I thought I had gotten back. I was evaporating once again into a shell of my former self and it was a hopeless place to be.

Thankfully when I shared this feeling to a few close people... instead of scoffing at the idea that I couldn't pray or look down their noses at me... they did the opposite. They came to me with words of compassion, wisdom and understanding. I felt loved by them and felt the love of God through them. I was reminded that even if I couldn't pray... they could pray for me. That even if I couldn't come to God in that moment because I was angry, weary, exhausted... that He was still there with me, holding my hand. And that once again... I wasn't alone in my fight.

This morning at church as I was singing the great hymn, How Great Thou Art, I felt God's presence all around me. The beautiful image of His hand holding me, protecting me and guiding me came to me... and I was at peace.

Even in the midst of the darkness... I see the light!

Thankful for a glorious laugh today!

Beauty in the Darkness

Anxiety, along with a few other symptoms from PPD, reared their ugly heads during our first family of four mini vacation this past weekend. It was discouraging after having a really good month... almost four weeks of finally feeling like myself again. These past few days I was in a constant battle within myself to just relax. 

Obviously vacations aren't what they used to be... two little kids in tow will do that. The change of scenery is wonderful, change of pace rewarding, having daddy with us all day is fantastic... but let me just put it out there... I think Dhrumil and I are more tired than when we left. Trying to navigate two tiny rooms and who will sleep where, naps, snacks, meals, the hour and a half it took to prepare everyone for the beach, the day of pouring rain, the slathering of sunscreen, the non-stop responsibility.

After a day of rain yesterday, this morning's sun was bright and we were able to enjoy a few hours on the beach before heading home. As I sat on my beach chair nursing Nolan, breathing in the sea air and watching Mikayla and Dhrumil play in the waves, I was thankful for the moment of peace that I felt. Everything stopped... I could just be. It was as if I had forgotten that I still need to live in the now... that I still need to stop and listen and feel God's guidance down this difficult path.

Though these last few days were tough for me in dealing with my illness, there were amazing moments in it! Our family walk on the beach... the special moments I spent with Mikayla collecting shells, swimming in the pool, building castles and running into the waves (she kept looking up at me and saying "this is my most favorite part of the day!") The walk on the beach I had alone with Nolan, who promptly fell asleep in the Ergo and didn't realize it was pouring rain on us as I power walked over the sand back to the hotel... the excitement that both kids were asleep and Dhrumil and I could enjoy sitting on the chairs outside in silence... the family meals. 

All of these moments made it worth it. 

And so... I will look back on this vacation and its precious moments as something beautiful. The moments that I didn't feel like I had to document constantly with my camera, the excitement on Mikayla's face when she looked at the ocean, sweet Nolan eyeing the sand as something he wasn't quite sure of and the loving looks Dhrumil gave to his family. In those moments... I truly lived.

And this postpartum depression thing? I will just keep on fighting the fight until I come out victorious on the other side. 

The Maple Tree

It was a gorgeous day... the breeze brought smells of an active Spring and the sun's warmth was a welcomed distraction to the cloud that seems to follow me most days. After a particularly challenging day Dhrumil had suggested I take the baby for a walk outside and so wanting to oblige I promised him I would do so. 

It wasn't too hard to dunk Nolan into his car seat and hook Willoughby up to his leash. The promise of a possible break from my overwhelming thoughts practically pushed me out the door. As I walked I took in the neighbor's freshly mowed lawns, pretty flowers and newly mulched beds. Nolan's smiles and babbling seemed to go hand in hand with the innocence and sincere newness of the earth around me. 

Scanning a particularly beautiful yard my eyes stopped on a large Maple tree that stood tall and proud. I felt as though its inviting limbs were beckoning to me. Its branches were perfect for climbing... up and up... away from it all... don't look back,  just keep on climbing. It took everything in me to not park the stroller right there and run over to the tree and escape. 

When I was little one of my favorite things to do was to climb the Maple in my backyard. It was "my" tree and a place I would go to be alone. I remember climbing up to "my" branch, book in hand, water jug around my neck. Having not a care in the world I would read to my heart's delight. I felt such peace in those moments. I loved my tree so much I remember wishing I could spend the night in it. 

In my teenage years I would climb to my branch to think and pray and to make sense of life. It was the escape I needed in times of teenage angst. No matter how long I wanted to stay sitting on my branch, I always had to come down. I couldn't stay hidden in my tree forever and had to face whatever it was by climbing down and moving on.

And so, with a wistful glance, I decided to keep walking. It is easier to face what is before me now instead of hiding from it. Besides... I'm not sure my thirty something self could make it up a tree without injury.

Let's Plant a Garden!

The nature of the postpartum depression beast (at least the one I am dealing with) can be swings of highs and lows. Last weekend I experienced a pretty extended high (meaning I felt like my old self for the most part) and for that I am truly grateful. I am not sure if it was because of the people I had around me, the fact that Dhrumil was no longer working late hours, the fish oil I have been taking or that I worked multiple hours outside in our yard... but whatever it was... it helped give me the push I needed to feel that I can beat this!

Mothers Day was gorgeous out and along with my sister and brother in law... we finished up the work that had been started on Friday. There is a book that I read to Mikayla and thought it perfect for these pictures.

Let's Plant a Garden!

It's the perfect day!

Dig some holes, plant some seeds, then put the tools away.

Look at what will bloom with just some soil, sun and spray!

And every day we'll snip a few

to make a sweet bouquet!

Happy mothers day!

Control

It's amazing to me how much is learned when one is at their lowest. I have had many valleys in my life, but never one quite like this. No matter how far I have fallen in the past... I have always had some form of control. It is as if I had been thrown into an ocean of choppy waters and though I looked to God to keep me afloat, I didn't give Him my whole weight. There was still part of me the kept myself afloat.

Dealing with this illness has forced me to throw my whole weight into God's arms and to be kept afloat by Him... and ONLY Him. What a feeling... the feeling of not having control BUT knowing that God has the control. This can be so reassuring and fill you with SUCH peace! On a daily basis I try so hard to hand over my control and trust in Him.

I have come to treasure the joy I have in life so much more on my good days and on those days when I don't think I will ever feel happiness again... I must take each moment at a time, mentally placing my hands in God's and trusting that He will continue to guide me towards His Glory!

Feeling joyful in the moment!

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"

And the voice of truth says "This is for my glory!"

Out of all the voices calling me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

- Casting Crowns

Just Do

I've found that taking the thinking out of every day things has helped me a bit. I don't suggest doing this all the time, but sometimes it's ok to just go with the flow. And so I give you my list from the past few days.

I'm not going to think... I'm just going to do:

1. Cut Mikayla's hair... myself... (have not attempted since a lopsided cut done to my sister's hair back in high school) *Note to self... do not ask a three year old her opinion because may not always come out so great... thankfully this time all was good

2. Clean out super messy everything closet that hasn't been touched since the move

3. Push Nolan's stroller through tall grass to get close to cows and covered bridge (those who have pushed a snap and go through grass know how tough it can be)   

4. Eat large waffle cone filled with many scoops of ice cream and possibly made by the cows I just saw

                         

5. The mounds of laundry

6. Slide down a very twisty slide with Mikayla on my lap

7. Take deep breaths

8. Read instead of watch TV

9. Walk around the block two times instead of one

10. Play Chutes and Ladders instead of cleaning

11. Paint small nails in a pretty pink color in the kitchen instead of normal designated spot in the bathroom

12. Mow the lawn on a Sunday morning

13. Not try to obsessively figure out why Nolan is now waking up in the middle of the night

14. Take long hot bath the second Dhrumil got home from his work trip

15. Get the deluxe pedicure

16. Join a gym (for those of you who know me well... yup)

                       

       

                                                                                   

Why?

Sometimes I ask... "Why me?" Well actually lately I have been asking that on a regular basis. I guess that's the phase I'm going through... the "why the heck do I have to go through this" phase. My very insides have been yelling out to God...

"Yes I know God, You only give us as much as we can handle, yes we learn through our trials, yes I      will become closer to You... BUT WHY ME!? WHY NOW!? I want to be loving life, I want to be enjoying every second of it, but I am trapped under a blanket of sorrow, doubt, self contentment, fear, anxiousness..."

And yet even now I can see the work being done in my life in the midst of this hell I am living in. I am grasping onto each moment with every fiber of my being... clinging onto the small joys Nolan's smile brings, the moment of elation felt from something silly Mikayla says and the glimmer of warmth in my heart from the way Dhrumil looks at me with such love.

I am caught by surprise of the compassion I am now starting to feel for those who have battled mental illness... understanding that this is truly something uncontrollable... real... and also something that can be beat.

Now understanding how in the midst of such sorrow people cling to the One who gives them peace and rescues them from everything.

Living...

I see all of this... I understand all of this... and yet I wonder again... "why me?"

There is a time to question... but then there is a time to accept, move on and try with all of your might to live. To know that this is only a season and to keep moving on.

The past week I have been listening to this song on a daily basis and it helps me feel as though I can beat this...

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along


Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
- Phillip Phillips