"Am I doing enough for my kids, am I being enough for them, am I exemplifying love, God's love? Is the love Dhrumil and I have for each other being seen by Mikayla and Nolan or do they just notice the chaos and sometimes frustration that comes after a long day and a thrown together dinner?"
On those harder days... those days where depression still lurks and bears its ugly head, my answer is always a big fat "NO!" I once again find myself clouded and unable to see my true self... my Godly self... covered in grace and illuminating love that can only come from Him. The true person who He has created me to be. Instead I see someone full of failure and mistakes who will only be able to pass on that failure and those mistakes to my offspring.
Last week was a tough one for me. Setback weeks (as Dhrumil and I tend to call them) usually are. To put a smile on my face Dhrumil and Nolan came home from the store with one rose for Mikayla and one for myself. After putting the beauties in their vases I set about getting the kids in their seats for dinner and running around in my usual flurry of dinner chaos. As I was spooning food onto the kids' plates the song Better Together started playing over the speaker. Being our wedding song, Dhrumil grabbed my hand and pulled me into the family room to dance. Of course I was still in my "chaos dinner mode" but with Dhrumil's help, and the kids' cheers, I was able to stop for a minute and just dance. As we twirled around the carpeted floor Mikayla's megawatt smile was hard to miss though I didn't think much of it at the time. After dinner Mikayla was on a mission... she sat down with markers and paper and with determination on her face silently worked. Then she handed us this...
She captured the moment perfectly... I smiled, told her how lovely it was, felt loved and then hung it up in our room.
It wasn't until about a week later that I truly looked at the picture. My clouded view had somewhat lifted and I was struck by what I saw. Mikayla's view of the moment... the truth. All I had remembered about that day was what I hadn't been able to give her, but what she remembered about that day was what I did give her... happiness and love shown between her parents. This was the reminder I needed... I am doing so much more in a positive light than I am able to fully comprehend. I am doing a good job!
Dhrumil brought up a great question after I told him about my thoughts on the picture...If God were to draw a picture of you... what would it look like? Truly?
His child... beautiful, loved beyond measure, cherished, cared for, ENOUGH.
