Easter Came Early

** DISCLAIMER - I do not condone eating your feelings but sometimes chocolate is just needed **

BACKSTORY:
Saying this week has been challenging is an understatement. I would say this has been one of the most difficult weeks as a parent thus far.

I made the decision not to go places with Nolan and Mikayla after Nolan's birth because of the flu and other sicknesses out there. I wanted to wait until Nolan had his 2 months shots, but by 6 weeks I was going buggy. So we ventured out and Mikayla spent a total of 4 hours in classes while I went to Bible study one day and then to MOPS the other. By Monday of this week Mikayla was miserable with fever, stuffy nose, tearing eyes and a cough.

This is the first time Mikayla has been sick while Nolan has been in our lives and I am not sure if that is the reason this time has been so hard, but wow... I want to live in a cave until Spring!

Mikayla has been so not herself and any and EVERYTHING has set her into sobs... for example during breakfast...

M: I smell something SOB
E: Ok
M: It's your breakfast SOB
E: (eating egg)
M: STOP EATING SOB

or...

E: Mikayla please come sit down for lunch
M: SOOOOOOOOOBBBBBB

and then there is...

E: How about we color?
M: SOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBB

You get the idea. I feel so bad for my little girl, but after a while the sobbing is like nails on a chalkboard. Then add Nolan and his many infant baby needs and it is the perfect storm for mommy madness!

That brings me to today...

I decided we needed to go to the Dr. just to make sure all was ok. Mikayla still not being herself and already having sobbed most of the morning and Nolan sounding a bit stuffy to me. I gave us an hour to get ready and get out of the door on time. We definitely needed that whole hour and the last ten minutes   both kids were screaming.

As I was backing out of the driveway... both kids still crying... I happened to very randomly open up one of the compartments under the radio to set the GPS in and that is when my eyes happened upon the small package of Cadbury mini eggs.

TIME STOOD STILL...

I had strategically placed these eggs (after obtaining them at CVS during a "me time" trip a week ago) into a compartment I never open so one day I would come upon them and have a nice surprise.

Let me tell you... I quietly pulled out those delicious chocolate eggs and after popping one into my mouth everything else faded away. Nolan quieted down... Mikayla quietly stopped her sobbing, I was able to take a deep breath and we had a stress free drive to the Dr. No JOKE! I think these little nuggets of goodness have magic in them.

So I guess the moral to my story... when overwhelmed with motherhood... eat chocolate.

Trip to the Park... or not

Ah yes... a trip to the park. Easy enough, right? This is how our trip to the park went this morning.

The sun was shining after being dull and grey out for days... or at least I haven't noticed the sun until today. Anyways I was feeling buggy this morning and thought it would be easier to walk to the park instead of drive somewhere and so I told Mikayla to get ready for an exciting first time Mommy, Mimi and Nolan walk to the park!!

Here is how it went down...

1. The sun made me think it was warm out. How exciting!
2. After feeding baby, burping baby, changing baby, putting baby down to gather our coats, gloves, hats and baby carrier about 40 minutes had past.
3. No matter I was going to get us out of this house and Mikayla was excited so I couldn't bow out now. And then baby started to scream.
4. While baby screamed I stared at my Ergo trying to remember how it worked.
5. Baby still screaming I tried to look up a video on YouTube to see how to work the contraption.
5. Baby still screaming, I bundled Mikayla up and then she wanted to have a baby carrier too and so I put that on her with her dog Snow.
6. Sweating with my coat on, I put screaming baby into his warm coat thing and then into the carrier and then tried to buckle the thing... am I doing something wrong? Very hard to put the thing on!
7. Baby stopped screaming and I decided to climb up the stairs to look in the mirror to make sure the carrier was on ok, after walk back down Mikayla decided she had to look at herself in the mirror with dog Snow.
8. Still sweating profusely I had to go back upstairs for Mikayla.
9. FINALLY outside... the sun was gone at this point and it was freezing.
10. We made it halfway down the street, Mikayla was cold, I was cold, the dog was basically running, Mikayla told me "it is a long day and I want to go home" so we turned around and that was that.

An hour of prep... a five minute walk... at least we got outside. Now I remember why having a baby in spring is so much better!

The Ever Moving Staircase

Driving home from Chick fil a in my mini van, two little ones in the backseat, me weary of sleepless nights, I found tears gathering in my eyes as the last movement of Tchaikovsky's fifth symphony played on the radio. Remembering the music as an old friend and anticipating what passages came next, it was ironic that today of all days I happened upon this piece.

Visiting the Cliffs of Moher

Lately I have been thinking back on different events in my life and I guess, sadly, have thought to myself... what was the point? Why dedicate myself for so many years to classical ballet training? A memory of trying on my first point shoes popping into my head, remembering tidbits of ballets I performed in and countless hours of practice. I always knew I was never going to be a professional, but now, a woman of almost 31, I think to myself... what purpose does it serve now?

And what about the hours given to my violin? Numerous pieces memorized, passages practiced over and over again, hours spent trying to perfect. Time spent working on symphonies such as the Tchai 5, only to have played it and then have it vanish into a sea of forgotten memories.

One time place of employment

I feel the my road into adulthood was paved with dedicating myself to the art forms of ballet, violin and theatre, to making and losing friends, to expanding myself by traveling around the world, to all those years in school, and then to my career. An ever moving staircase carrying me up, up, up. The world at my finger tips, wanting everything, lacking nothing.

And now?

Why at 30 do I feel that I now must take a backseat to that ever moving staircase? That all at once it has become stagnant and what can I show for it? I am at home with my two beautiful children, but do these experiences help me help them? Do they help me? Must I just sit a dream about what I did and mourn that it will never be done again?

And so with all of these depressing thoughts swirling around me lately, I broached the subject with my sister while out to coffee the other day. Her answer was quite simple... you did those things because IN THE MOMENT you were living them. IN THE MOMENT you were experiencing. I am now a more well rounded person because of it...

That made me think... I am not done developing myself. Achieving the end all I guess I had in my mind (husband, 2.5 kids, house...) it is not the end. Yes I do want to give my children every opportunity to do great things, to jump on that moving staircase, but I don't have to lock my ambitions into a nice suitcase and throw it away or jump into the back seat of my children's lives. On the contrary... if I continue to pursue things for myself I will be a living example to Mikayla and Nolan that you never stop learning, you never stop developing your talents and you never stop striving to be the person God has created you to be.

And so...

Amsterdam

Yes I miss the freedom of my "youth", the ease that I now see I had in being able to be a part of things. But my life is not over. Far from it... I can now pursue my dreams with a view of all that I have already experienced in the past.

But most of all... God has placed me where He wants right now and there is purpose in it! Just like there was purpose in all of those hours doing homework, pointing my toes, practicing my violin until my fingers hurt and completing projects at work.

I pray that in those days when I am covered in spit up, holding a crying baby, wiping applesauce off the floor and chasing my toddler that I can remember that THIS MOMENT is special and there is purpose in all that I do!

I am Fearfully and WONDERFULLY made!

At Last

Crazy how long pregnancy takes... this morning I was rocking Nolan and the song At Last came on Pandora. I have always loved this song and danced to it at our wedding. This time it took on a new meaning and I was overcome with happiness at having my baby boy with me here at last! I also became a pile of mush when I thought that one day I will dance with my son at his wedding... I was filled realization of what a blessing it is to be entrusted by God to raise this little boy into the man he will one day become!

At last 
My love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song

Oh yeah yeah
At last

The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you

I found a dream, that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known

Oh yeah yeah
You smiled, you smiled
Oh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
for you are mine...

At Last

On a less sappy note... can anyone relate to how much is forgotten about the infant stage? I thought I would be a pro since I have been through it before, but not so much. I still had a list of questions for the Pediatrician, forgot how to open and close the stroller, was reminded about "unhappy hour" and poop explosions and also what it means to live on very little sleep. Ah well... I am definitely more relaxed this time around and that is a plus!

Me... now

I've been thinking about this blog post for a while now, but whenever I try to figure out what to write my mind just goes... blllllaaaaahhhhh. I think it is probably the lack of sleep. I did the same thing when I took a "me hour" and went grocery shopping.... I pushed the cart up and down the aisles, staring at the food, forgetting what I wanted to get and where I actually was. So is the life with a newborn.

So how am I? Honestly... this transition hasn't been the easiest, but I know this part doesn't last forever and before I know it I will be sobbing at my kid's high school graduations. And so... I try to take the difficult times with a grain of salt and give the precious moments my full attention.

I had read a friend's blog that said a book should be written about what happens to a women's body and emotions postpartum... I couldn't agree more! Even though I had already gone through it once before, you are never really prepared for the recovery (which took a bit longer this time) or the CRAZY hormones that make you cry one second, laugh the next and then make you feel like going outside in the snow to make an igloo and live alone for the next 10 years.  

I have been blessed with an AMAZING husband who has taken many days off and basically pushed me out the door for a few moments of alone time. He has helped me with Nolan at night, played with Mikayla non stop and tried to keep the house clean, food in the fridge and everyone bathed. My parents have also been a great help, visiting two different times, cooking for us, cleaning, telling me to take naps... 

And so... here I am... now. Two beautiful children in my life. It really is unfathomable that I am at this point in my life now. 

Christmas night... I was in a haze ;-)

I am looking forward to the normalcy that comes with routine being established, but I recognize that this infant stage is fleeting and so I am taking time to really savor it. My little boy is already a mama's boy, wanting to spend most moments when awake in my arms. I am just going with it and snuggling with his sweet jiggly infant self. 

Mikayla is her constant sweet self and when she sees Nolan in the morning or after her nap she always gives him kisses, squeals in delight and says... "He's SO cute" it just warms my heart!

It definitely gets challenging when both are crying at once... I'm still working on staying calm in such moments. It is also difficult not having any close friends here yet, it can be a bit isolating. 

This post is all over the place! But so is my life right now... guess it is fitting.